The Writers' Circle

The internet didn't just build itself, you know. I did it.
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I build web sites. That makes me smarter than you.

True: there are doubters. Skeptics. My family, for instance, who would like a recount. After all, they are the nurturers who have watched me whine and yell, pout, drool, forget to tie my shoes, and run into things. Not to mention the stuff I did as a child.

But I must be smarter than other people, because other people contact me about web sites, and they pay me. My old college roommate, Chris, says he really wants to meet these people. Chris sells hedge funds.

But I sell web sites. I line up electrons and make them behave, and people pay me to do it. As a result, I now have a nice house, and an ego large enough to be regulated by Obama's Theme Park Czar.

You may be thinking, though probably not, "how does a mere mortal build a web site?" Well, it's really quite simple. I type normal human words, wrap them in weird code words, and suddenly you're able to download air-brushed pictures of moody Nordic women.

Impressive, eh? Thanks to me, and people like me, and Al Gore, you are ONLINE. From your home, you can access worlds of information, galaxies of opinions, and about 8 actual facts. You can check your local weather, in case you never bought a TV, or don't own a window. You can have a $2 gadget delivered, after shipping, for $28.95. You can receive the same joke 114 times from your friends. You can make new friends, like the attractive, eager, coquettish "Amber," a raven-haired, free-thinking, Ivy League law student, who is actually my old college roommate, Chris.

Thanks to me, you can get emails from deposed third-world royalty, eager to wire millions of "Americans dollar" to your "personally account"  in a "secureness" transaction. And you can sign up for an alert so you won't miss the DVD release of "When Cannibal Wrestlers Go Wild From Beyond The Grave While Zombie Miami Cops Race Teenage Nurses From Outer Space, Volume IX," starring John Travolta as Caligula and Adam Sandler as the Florida Turnpike.

Oh, stop it. You're welcome, already. All that bowing and genuflecting. Stop it.

In fact, I'll share some more secrets about my rise to greatness. Over time, I've cultivated some critical techniques, and carpal tunnel. To prepare for my career, I've learned how to 
* read, write and type
* follow a set of rules
* nod knowingly
* cash checks

And you lesser bipeds can, too, maybe, though probably not. Plus, some of you already have actual jobs, which is a career path I could never pursue, since I don't own enough ties.

But I'm the kind of guy who gives back. Here are some handy insider tips, possibly the first in a ongoing series, though probably not.

Ways to Speed Up Web Pages
* Use smaller fonts.
* Hold your hands over half the screen to minimize video rendering.
* View pages in the morning, when the air density is lower.
* Don't stare at it. Remember, a watched pot never boi.uh, never mind.
* Hang your modem above your screen so the page's content runs downhill.
* Don't view pages that have far-away words, like "Europe" or "tax cut."
* Write "I think I can" on a chunk of cardboard and insert it in your disk drive.
* Find and watch an Al Gore speech. It won't speed anything up, but you'll be too numb to care. I mean, the man's like morphine with mousse.
* Contact Obama's Physics Czar and upgrade to a higher-octane electron.

Oh, stop. You're welcome. And congratulations on that deposed royalty transaction! If you need any financial advice, email Amber.