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I've seen you improve this bit by bit, Freda. It's improving each time you revise it. You portray the two main characters well.
I do have a few comments which I hope are helpful. Sorry if my comments are a bit preachy!
You should remove '... and ashamed of his crippled body and mind.' I found this grated on me as a reader. I don't believe disability to be anything to be ashamed of. In general, society disables, disability doesn't - if you know what I mean. Billy would be well aware of the stigma of disability, hence he may well be embarrassed, but I doubt that he would be ashamed even if he has internalized the way society treats him. I really think you should avoid the word crippled. To many that would be unintentionally offensive. It would be okay to use the word in dialogue in the right circumstances or in a different piece of work with a totally different emphasis. It's a little bit like the word 'nigger' which is offensive depending on who says it and in what context.
Technically also, this sentence is very much 'telling' rather than 'showing.' If Billy has physical disabilities, you should 'show' them, i.e. demonstrate how they make his life more difficult -- e.g. describe how difficult it is for him to climb the steps to Syrie's front door. Besides that, two paragraphs later you have Billy running to his Welsh pony... so he cannot be too 'disabled'? It is a bit inconsistent.
Similarly 'despite his diminutive size and disability' is telling rather than showing. You could describe his size in many other ways, such as when he is talking to Syrie he needs to look upwards to see her face or he has to avert his gaze from her bosom etc.. You don't need to mention his disability again.
I was not aware in previous versions that you were setting it in Scotland? Have you moved the setting? It would be very unlikely for a Scot to say 'Weverend.'
I'm not trying to do your work down at all. I actually like it very much, hence I've take the time to critique it.
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Thank you for your comments Carl. This is what we need on this site-constructive comments. I feel this is what an editor would say to me. The setting has always started in Scotland. Syrie ends up in Saint John New Brunswick, so the setting will change later in the story. I will edit as you suggested. I, too, wondered if I should say he was " ashamed" of his crippled little body because he really is ashamed of it-a crippled retarded boy among the great big Scottish warriors. Billy is not the main person in the story, but his back story is that he has been ridiculed by people who consider themselves above him. What do you think of Syrie for the heroine's name. That name, of course, is Somerset Maughn's wife's name. No connection-I just thought it was a beautiful sounding name for a girl living in rough time-a contrast, if you will. I can't find the meaning of the name. I wanted to give her a symbolic name but this is all that came to me. Thank you once again for your comments. I feel you are good at what you do, Carl, and I respect your opinions.
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Hi
I know Carl has already commented very constructively on your article but I liked it so much I was prompted to say something myself. I assume this is part of a novel/short story? Anyway, I thought this piece would be ideal for me to point out a very common problem when writing that is normally quite difficult to explain. This piece starts off in Syrie's point of view, i.e. this is her paragraph, where she speaks, feels and tells the reader her story from her perspective. When Billy arrives and speaks to her this is fine. However, when the author then relates something about when Billy talks to a grown up lady it makes him feel ashamed and shy, this is the wrong viewpoint and should be deleted. Syrie could not possibly know how Billy felt about himself. If you want to say something like this then you have to change the Viewpoint to Billy's. As Carl said in his original critiquing, Billy would not necessarily feel ashamed of what he was. This also applies further down. "This was the morning to get the sweet Brother Francois kept hidden behind his ear even though Billy could never see it before hand. Billy, for the most part, lived in a happy, peaceful world." This should all be from Billy's perspective not Syrie's. I hope this makes sense?
Regards
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Thank you, Rowland. I appreciate your help. I see what you are saying. I could say something about Syrie knowing he was going to see Brother Francois. It is important for Billy to be in the story because a few pages on, he is the one who finds Syrie after she had been beaten by the village women for her illegitimate pregnancy. So somehow, I want to show his feelings without him taking over the story. Let me think about this for a while. In the meantime, keep those cards and letters coming folks.
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I tried to edit this and the darn thing didn't do it. I'm back to square one. Maybe Monday.
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Hi Fredda,
Sorry it is giving you a difficult time, but VP is important. Billy's situation can be brought out quite easily by either using dialogue by Billy or by narrative from Syrie relating a conversation she had with Billy previously. Having said that it is important I have read a few well known authors book where they abuse the VP all the time and I have to say get away with it. That however is the prerogative of successful authors. For the likes of you and I, who may want to get published, well I'm afraid we are stuck with the rules.
Good writing
Regards
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