The Writers' Circle

Not actually sure what to say to that. It's just the way I naturally write I guess. It's definately not supposed to come across as pompous and I'm sorry that it came across that way for you. I'll bear it in mind when I'm writing in the future and see where it takes me.

Can anyone else following on from this comment and let me know if they feel the same as FE?

No offense taken at all by the way FE. Thanks for commenting.

JD

Love it; it's a bit more streamlined than the original.

Just a few comments:

before the silence once more resumed control => I liked the 'too embarassed to continue' thing
They never seemed to learn. => good!!!
The small being's name was Tamson and he was a tulai. The young childlike being... => How does this sound: "The small being's name was Tamson, and like all of his kind - the Tulai - he had kept a childlike appearance through his adolescent growth." Or something like that. (That's assuming he's an adolescent, which seems to me to be the case)

Happy writing! ;)

I have critiqued your work as follows -

[Overall comments]
I a few suggestions.  This is my opinion and you can do whatever you wish, it's your story.  I like the scene.

the sound of the patter of rushing feet.  ===? The origin of the noise soon became clear as a small being.

We know something is coming from the first part.  The effect is lost with (origin of the noise soon became clear as.)  Threw me totally out of the piece, because it's a restatement of the noise.

"You ready for Mekanikus?" she asked excitedly.

Adverbs are tricky, they can either make it or they break it.  How excited is she?  Is she jumping up down, clapping, what exactly is she doing with all this energy she has?  We know she's giggling from the previous sentences, but what else?

Tamson momentarily lost his swagger.

How did he do this?  Did his steps falter?  Body posture can be real effective here in showing this.

Only two places I saw that the adverbs break the scene.  Adverbs are very tricky.  I was notorious with adverbs, I learned to take the adverb out when the action was more effective for the flow of things.

Feel free to chunk this all out the door too if you want.
Shadowwritr

Your first paragraph sets the scene as well as a picture - cannot stress what striking images and sense of place you describe.
The line I have problem with is 'The origin of the noise.....'  It feels like an unnecessary explanation - could you cut the first bit and say 'Tamson, a small being in oversized robes...' then at the end of that sentence move straight into the next bit 'Like all tulai....'
I feel the characters dialogue and actions are more genuine this time.
The comment made about the swagger - I dont think you need to worry about - I get the picture that Suzi's words hit a nerve in him and his inner ego is deflated a bit due to that margin of doubt we all put ourselves under when something we want hasn't actually been confirmed yet but that wouldn't necessarily cause a physical change.
When the tutor repeats her statement do you need to say 'she repeated' as thats kind of obvious what about 'she panted' making it sound like shes been rushing around looking for him?

I agree with the person who warned about the use of adverbs. I dont think your use of adverbs is out of hand at all! Just saying that it can quickly become too Lord of the rings-y, that book is notoriously persistent in using loads of adverbs. This is just a suggestion, but it doesnt have to be an adverb, you could still use the word excited though. I think the word 'excited' adds a lot to what she says, makes her appear more bouncy and spirited, and i think is important early on in the story to present the characters strongly (there we have those adverbs again :p) 
perhaps you could change its form and do something like this...?

"You ready for Mekanikus?" said Suki. He could tell she was excited.

In the beginning, there were a couple of sentences that were rather long. IMO borderline too long. They're fine as they are, and I didnt have any troubles reading them, just breaking them up every so slightly will allow the reader to breath a bit. Especially as its the first paragraph, and people might be reading that on a whim to see if they like it and if there is a two lined sentence they might be slightly turned off.
I dont mind long sentences further into the book though, so dont misunderstand me in that respect :)
Again, its only my opinion.

Anyways, I do like your language, and I already like the Suki character! The POV is omniscient i take it? seeing as we get glimpses into Suki's head every now and then. What I'd like more is a little physical description of Suki. Nothing too extravagant, just a slight indication as to what she looks like.

Thanks for a great read! :D

Hi - bear with me I have only just joined - anyway I have enjoyed reading what you have produced and also the helpfullness of those who have commented.  I only wish I was brave enough to attempt SF - my only comment would be when introducing Suki that you take this opportunity to indicate her relationship to Tamson - how can the reader value her input/concern without knowing who she is in his life to offer such input.  Also if she is a character that will also grow as the story progresses she needs a glimmer of a foundation to start off on.

Like I said above this is my first time so not really sure it will be of value - especially as it is not about structure or grammatical.  Yves

Hi JD,
I hope what follows is of some use to you.  
I have to say I did enjoy reading this. What is I think, a strong and convincing first chapter that has left me looking forward to reading chapter 2. 
I found myself agreeing with (and learning much from) others' views posted in previous comments on your website. 
The tip of reading your writing aloud is priceless - advice I give every new student looking to improve on previous essay marks - and yet manage not to do with my own writing! 
Interesting how comments relating to your 'old-fashioned' use of language and particular style of writing seemed to sharply divide opinion. (A style so-described, possibly as one mostly associated with circa 18/19th century writers, among them, two of my favourite authors, George Elliot and Victor Hugo). Some readers like me, prefer this 'archaic' style - others don't. 
Important here I think, is you continue writing in the style most natural to you, always with an eye to developing whatever aspects you and your future readers identify as most distinctive about your writing.  
Anyway, sorry to ramble, but plead in my defence, my 'twice newbie' status, that is, poorly read in the genre of Science Fiction, and no less unschooled in the art of creative writing commentary and critique.
Keep up the good work!