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Tamson Part 1

By JD Higginson | Posted: 14 April 2009

Views: 332
In articles by JD Higginson
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Working title, work in progress and first dratf. A lot yet to be done on it.

EDIT: Revised though not properly edited. Hopefully flows better now. I'll include the details that I removed in more appropriate places later in the story.

JD

* * * * *

	The silence was absolute throughout the dark magic sector of the ancient, stone city of Jelosano. It was broken at intervals by the occasional chirrup of birdsong before the noiselessness resumed as the perpetrator suddenly became too embarrassed to continue.
	The leaf-strewn floors and bare trees heralded the transition from Summer to Autumn and the weather reflected as much. Brisk gusts of wind sporadically caused the leaves to dance in entertaining patterns across the courtyards and streets and gathered in corners to frolic in upwardly flowing spirals.
	In the distance a bell tolled causing the birds that roosted in its tower to scatter in panic. They never seemed to learn. The ringing echo gradually faded until the patter of rushing feet could finally be heard.
	The origin of the noise soon became clear as a small being in oversized robes and sandals came dashing past with a look of heady joy plastered across its face. The exams were finally over.
	The small being's name was Tamson and he was a tulai, a race of childlike-looking creatures with a natural aptitude for magic. Indeed they were the most gifted magic users ever to grace the planet Gaea and performed great services for its peoples. They originated from Jelosano, the magical capital of the planet, where they were trained from a young age in the ways of thaumaturgy. Each tulai was assigned an elemental class of magic in which they would study and later become proficient in and for Tamson this had turned out to be dark magic.
	Now the young tulai was running with all haste back to his lodgings. His final exam was over and he was brimming with excitement as he relished the possible prospect of travelling to the great, far-off city of Mekanikus to act as an apprentice to a senior tutor there. In that fabled place he would learn how the theory he had been studying for most of his life so far could be applied to real life situations.
	"Tam!"
	The voice hailed him as he approached the central student lodgings where his one and only true friend, Suki, was waiting for him.
	"Hey," he said, a broad grin suffusing his features.
	"How did it go?"
	"Fine," he replied, acting nonchalant as he walked past her and the girl rose and giggled as she ran after her friend.
	"You ready for Mekanikus?" she asked excitedly.
	Tamson momentarily lost his swagger.
	"It's not even been confirmed that I'm definitely going," he reminded her. "There aren't that many dark mages left in the world, let alone those who are in a position to mentor me."
	Suki detected the bitterness in his voice.
	"But you've got to go!" she protested. "Your dad lives there and you've not seen him in ages and with your mum gone and everything."
	She let her voice tail off, embarrassed at having brought up the subject.
	"I know," Tamson sighed. "But if Eldwin can't find me a placement then there's not much I can do about it."
	"That's so unfair," Suki sulked. "Why can't you just stay with another mage instead? You'd still learn loads."
	"'cause we have to be apprentice to a tutor of the same class. You know that."
	The two friends entered the main common room together and Tamson's worried mood was only deepened by the tangible buzz of excitement that hit them as soon as they walked through the archway into the central chamber.
	"C'mon, smile," said Suki, nudging her friend as her spirits were once more lifted by the jubilant atmosphere. "It'll all work out for the best. You'll see."
	Tamson wasn't so sure.
	"I think I'm gonna go to bed," he said.
	"Tamson, there you are!"
	Tam turned at the sound of the familiar voice and looked to where his bespectacled tutor was bearing down on him through the throngs.
	"There you are," she repeated as she drew near. "I've been looking everywhere for you."
	"I've been in an exam," Tam reminded her.
	"Oh, yes, of course you have," the tutor said absentmindedly. "How did it go?"
	"Pretty well," Tam admitted.
	"Good, good," said the tutor. "When you get a moment can you pop in to see Professor Eldwin in his office? He said immediately but as you've just been in an exam."
	"Am I in trouble?" Tam asked.
	"No, no, nothing of the sort," the tulai assured him. "It's about your placement. I believe he has come upon a workable solution for you."
	Tamson glanced to Suki who was sharing his look of pure joy. He was going to Mekanikus after all!
	With flapping feet the young tulai raced from the room, shouting his thanks as he went and ready to embark on the next stage of his tutelage.
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Comments 
Carl
14 April 2009
This is a good piece of work which started and ended really well. However you seem to have fallen into the telling rather than showing trap and are trying to introduce too much information which might boggle the average reader... i.e. me.

I feel that you should rewrite / simplify / remove everything between

The small being's name was Tamson ... and ... this had turned out to be dark magic.

Also (this might just be me) when I saw the word Jelosano for the first time, Jerusalem sprung immediately to mind and this coloured my interpretation and expectations of your work. Perhaps a different place name might be better?
ruminate81
14 April 2009
I like your writing. It didn't start for me until the bell tolled in the thrid paragraph. Don't get me wrong, I loved the picture you painted with words just above that, but that third paragraph was the beginning for me. Maybe you could fit that dancing leaves part (which was awesome) into the running of the child through the courtyard. Then describe courtyard after he passes throw as it returns to its quite state. 

I don't know. I just like that third paragraph as a start more than the original.
totalwitch
15 April 2009
I just realized I read the second chapter first. But the beginning here is too much. But alot of those things could be incorprated into the story like when the children ran across the school yard how the leaves would dance. There is alot of information just needs maybe rearrarrange so not all at once and not brought up so many times for instance you brought up several diffrent cities more than once.
poppy101
19 April 2009
The beginning was full of atmosphere and sharp imagery.  Dont be scared to go for short sentances that make a statement. Do I care enough about Tam as a central figure to want to read on? maybe a little more tilt on his vunerabilities and why Suki cares about him - I only want to invest interest in her if she features  later on in the story and not in a pathetic female kind of way - the dialogue worked really well and is believable but try not to get too wordy.  The second chapter was even better and you seemed more relaxed.  Look forward to more.
Reiner
23 April 2009
I think this is really good; full of atmosphere. I particularly like the way you describe the scene at the beginning. The only typo I noticed was the lower case c in "cause we have to..."

I would have liked 'just been in an exam..." instead of the full stop. For me, it shows that Tam interrupted the tutor because of the fear of being in trouble. It's just a personal thing.

One thing, do you already know the end of the story, assuming you haven't written it yet? It's just that I can't write anything unless I know how it ends. I'd be interested to hear how other writers, write.
JD Higginson
23 April 2009
I prefer to write knowing how it will end and all the key points in between. There are times when I will scribble a couple of paragraphs down if I think of a particularly atmosperic beginning but it's unusual for me to continue with it if I don't at least roughtly know where it's heading.

Thanks for all of your comments. Much appreciated.

Happy writing.

JD
Shavalarj Hit
08 May 2009
I have critiqued your work as follows -

[Plot]
I have to agree with comments made by Carl and Totalwitch.  Too much information too quickly.  The reader should be drip fed the background information whilst following the plot.
[Overall comments]
I have to agree with comments made by Carl and Totalwitch.  Too much information too quickly.  The reader should be drip fed the background information whilst following the plot.

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JD Higginson

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A dedicated writer who holds future ambitions for modest greatness. All constructive criticism welcome. Check out my debut novel, Cirque, at Amazon and Smashwords. ** the endless struggle of work versus ... (Read more)
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