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Do you think this part fits?

By downtoearthluna | Posted: 14 April 2009

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I started writing this story and this part before the sqiggly was the first thing I wrote of it. But now I'm not sure if I should take it out or not. If I did the send part would just need a little tweeking. 

here it is:

My thoughts switched between my two sides. He was too close. What nice eyes. I had to bite. He smelled really good for a guy. He looked so tasty; I must taste!
	I refrained. I took a few steps back and left the dance floor. A few more steps and I was out the door into the cool night air.
	As I walked home (a person like me wasn't afraid to walk the streets at night), I thought. I couldn't subject anyone, no matter how I felt, to a life (existence may be a better word) like mine. I had to stay away. A life with me was almost as bad as the alternative. 

                                                    ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

	It's a good thing our kind show up in mirrors, or else I might not have noticed my hair was totally frizzy today. After ten minutes of hair products, I could finally live with how I looked. Okay, bad choice of words for my situation, deal with how I looked. 
	While my breakfast of bacon was being zapped in the microwave, I cut up a clove of garlic. I planned to put it on top of my bacon and mix it in with my scrambled eggs. Mmmm. Perfect breakfast for my taste- bacon, eggs, and garlic.
	When I am in my typical morning ritual my mind tends to wander. I thought back to how close I was to loosing my perfectly measured control last night on the dance floor. I had to abandon my new friend. Poor guy, it wasn't his fault I almost snapped. 
	I glanced up at the kitchen clock. Then I looked at it again. Even on the second time it took me a few seconds to truly understand what I was seeing. Eleven twenty-seven?!  Wow, my breakfast was everyone else's lunch! Man, for a creature of the night I sure slept a lot.
	Eleven twenty-eight. God, I am going to be so late; Matt said eleven thirty sharp. Guess I was going to be eating my breakfast/lunch on the run.


that was the first half of my first chapter. ((can you tell me if it's any good?))
sorry if some things in there don't make sense, it is all explained in the latter part of the chapter.
thank you in advance.
=D

PS-- target readers are young adults.
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Comments 
ruminate81
14 April 2009
It all makes sense. I think you should keep writing. Really start to live your charcter. Don't go out and drink anyone's blood though. That might end badly. I just mean really bring her to life by writing it down. I'm not a professional, not even close, but just writing and letting the characters develop without any direction was where I started. 

I have 20+ 3-8 page stories of characters that I don't plan on using. Some of these stories are not of people, but are about places, times, emotions, or sometimes just pure imagery. 

Every writing project I take on makes me a better writer. I think you should take this project on and fly with it. Who knows what will happen. Until you know it is a failure treat it like a winner and just let loose!

Good luck and bring back more of this story. *wink*

Justin

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downtoearthluna

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Genre / category: Fiction