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Hi L.M. Buedel,
In a very tense situation, I would feel that wordiness takes away the suspense. I believe short snappy sentences would give it a better action than a long narrative. You may want the reader to feel her pain and agony, and to do that, lots of action is required. Sometimes, you don't even have to explain their motivation. The action would tell the reader that. I hope this helps.
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Jane trembled. Sergio sneered, pressing the cold pistol on her forehead; a sick smile stretched across his face. Jane's hands wriggled but the handcuffs were tight. No luck. Warm tears streamed down her cheeks. He was silent. Just grinning. Jane averted her eyes from Mozelle, sprawled out next to her. She was not moving. Her friend was dead. Moz was innocent but Sergio did not know that; didn't care either. Sergio wasted her to show he was not playing games. She felt it was her fault. He did too. Sergio yanked the gag off her mouth. She was about to scream. Someone outside would hear. She hoped. Sergio raised a finger up his lips. "Shh..." He was calm. Just grinning. One wrong answer would pop the trigger. "Where is it?"
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I agree with what Grampa Pogi has to say and the difference in the short passage he has rewritten for you illustrates the point.
I would like to point out, however, that he (sorry for the presumption but grampa indicates a male to me) has rewritten it and not edited it: re comments I made about 'editing is it still my work' that I commented on earlier this week.
Well done Grampa Pogi - it is so hard to get across what you mean without sometimes doing the rewrite.
:-) Anne
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I also agree with grampa.
In my case I like to employ short sentences to speed up the pace. That system might come in handy here.
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