The first caveman was a jolly nice chap but was ever so lonely. He had no human parents so had to name himself. He called himself Bob. The fact was he was illiterate, so he would have struggled with any longer a name. There was no one else around to call him his name or introduce himself to, so it was irrelevant, but Bob he was. He once scratched his name into a tree with a stick. This was when he invented the pencil, writing and the palindrome all at the same time.
He was the person who invented the most things in history, yet has received no credit what so ever. He was the first person who invented the seat when he sat down on a fallen tree. He invented the bouquet one day when he saw lots of pretty flowers and proceeded to pick them all. He even invented toilet paper when he used a leaf out of curiosity one day. But these items which are the cornerstone of society don’t get much praise; they are just taken for granted. If only he invented the patent first and applied them to all his inventions he would have been the most celebrated human ever. The seat would have been called ‘The Bob’ and Toilet Paper just plain ‘Bob’, because that was the only word he knew and it was only right to name everything after him, the creator. It would have been terribly confusing though, with the majority of everyday items being called ‘Bob’.
He was ever so lonely though and his advancement of the universe was not enough to satisfy him, he wanted someone to share it with and cave women were still in the process of evolution. He had at least 20 years to wait; they were destined always to be late. He thought he’d ready himself for her arrival, by cracking on in moving humanity along from their previous feral ways.
The Neanderthals didn’t get him, looking on curiously as he got about his business of invention and likewise he saw their simplistic lifestyle as rather boring, spending a large amount of time picking insects from each other. He would just head down to the waterfall and drown them in the falling river water, a shower it became known as.
Although there were times he saw his family swinging from tree to tree together playing and felt jealous of their togetherness, but if he gave up there would be no human kind, no being of advanced intelligence. Maybe that wouldn’t have been a bad thing, except that he didn’t like bananas now he had tasted honey so there was no going back.