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Great job Zion. Good use of imagery. I can see you've drawn on your experience of experimenting with Haiku's in the concise way you've relayed the information.
Only one small point, though. In the third verse if you meant lightning as electrical discharge as opposed to lightening as in brightening the sky then you've spelt it wrong.
Other than that, great piece.
Poetry is definately your forte.
JD
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Possibly change it for leaves instead?
JD
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Thanks, guys. I'll correct the spelling error. Also, I thought I liked it with the repetition, but I like 'leaves' better.
Happy writing! ;)
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Each to their own, Zion. If you like shadow-trees then keep it that way.
The repitition is something that I know I often miss and am still finding in my 3rd draft edit of my novel but if it was intentional and you like it then keep it in.
It's your work and you've got to be happy with it.
JD
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Thanks, JD. I really do like it better, though. I originally had it as 'Neptune's breath fierce upon the shadow-trees,' but as I''m an Orthodox Jew, I wasn't really comfortable with that, so I changed it to 'droplet-arrows'. 'Leaves' does sound much better with that -otherwise, too many syllables.
;)
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I love you work with words.
excellent
Michel Henri
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oooh great atmosphere. I think it flows very well and personnally free verse is my favourite because nothing feels forced trying to fit into certain patterns.
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I'm not usually appreciative of free verse, but I like the imagery in this; nice choice of words.
Reiner.
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