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Mama

By chloerose08 | Posted: 02 May 2009

Views: 454
Her hands slide around the bars. Her knuckles turn white. Her mouth opens as if to speak. Even the air is filth. Her eyes, glazed, probably blind now, black. Her mouth thin, weathered away, no need for lips, in a place like this. 
"Mama!" 
Her voice, frail, even when she shouted, weak, cracked. Over time she had stopped shouting, echos were painful replies. 
"Mama" 
A whisper, to herself, mama, mama, mama, her baby is crying out for her, she knows it, she needs it. Soot, falls, into her clothes. She has spilt everything, tears drown this cage, cell, spilt on the floor, cannot dry. 
It's different, why, because, she does not want it anymore, a life, a soul, a heart, a child, all her children, spent time believing she is dead? Believing she is wrong, believing she is scum? It's different, she has drawn every breath, possible, here, without choking, on sorrow and on soot. 
A scream at six, six o clock when the trigger is pulled, not everyday, but most of them, she does not know if it is six, but it is a time, within endless time, within the black. She gets food, when they feel like it, so she sticks to six, a click, a scream, she doesn't think it ends quickly, because, even echos don't last for that long.
All articles on this website by chloerose08 are copyright ©chloerose08 and should not be reproduced without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.
Comments 
JD Higginson
02 May 2009
It's a good emotional piece but has too many commas in places that commas shouldn't be, in my opinion. If it was short, punchy sentences that you were after then full stops would have been more appropriate and would have made it flow better for the reader.

Good job, though.

Keep it up.

JD
poppy101
02 May 2009
This is an incredible piece of writing thick with pathos.  It would be lovely to see you develop the ideas some more.
chloerose08
03 May 2009
Thank you for all your comments, I could defiantly continue this piece because I have so many ideas that branch out from this one. I think that it wouldn't be the same without the commas, although when editing it I may exchange them for short sentences etc
I appreciate any feedback, chloerose
Reiner
03 May 2009
I have to agree with JD about the commas. To create the best tension, short, sharp sentences are the norm. They make the writing 'punchy'. However, they need to be mixed with longer sentences to  balance the piece.

Reiner
blackrose
03 May 2009
i really enjoyed reading this....

hope to see some more!!!

xxx
chloerose08
04 May 2009
I have tried changing some of the writing so it consists of as many short sentences as there are commas, and I do think it reads better, thankyou for the advice.
Jennifer Munro
05 May 2009
Follow your own instincts Chloerose. Nothing wrong with inventing something new so lang as it reads well. Nice to be original but not nice to just be ignorant of good grammar. That's different!
JD Higginson
05 May 2009
I agree. All I can ever comment on is how I see things and such is the nature of creative writing that you're never going to please everyone. If you don't agree with my comments simply ignore them. If you can see what i've spotted and want to change it then do. At the end if the day it's your work and you have to be happy with it.

Happy writing.

JD
Reiner
05 May 2009
Much better.

Reiner.
Anonymous
07 May 2009
I have to be honest, I am new to this and I am not used to reading this kind of material.  I found it very hard to follow the narrative.  But that could just be me.

Writer
chloerose08

Total posts:
25
Roles: Writer
Cambridge, UNITED KINGDOM
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