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The Lake
By
Reiner
| Posted:
06 May 2009
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I was going to post the original short story but have decided to post the first 3 chapters of the novel in waiting, one at a time.
The Lake
Chapter 1
Cody Travis stowed the fishing rods, reels, tents and everything needed for a long weekend, in the back of the old Buick. The vehicle had long since seen better days: three of the four tyres were slick and when the engine fired up, thick black smoke choked the air for a full five minutes before it settled down to a constant rumbling of worn bearings, piston rings and every other moving part, made worn through a lack of oil, clean or otherwise. In the main, it went in the right direction, and generally came home in one piece.
"Say, Charlie, you reckon you can match me at catchin' a decent fish?"
"Match you? Man, I'm gonna wipe that stupid grin right off your face!"
"An' how ya gonna do that Charlie boy? Get brother Mitch to catch one for yer? Let's face it, you got more chance a pissin' in the wind from one of them there clouds!"
"You tell him Cody," said Mitch, always trying to play one brother against the other.
Cody turned and faced his two partners. Charlie was what one might call the 'runt' of the litter. He was small in frame and as a youngster had always been the one that needed the attention of the doctor. However, his size was often mistaken for lack of strength. This, and sheer guts and determination, always won through, especially on a Friday night when those that didn't know him, foolishly tried to pick a fight.
His elder brothers Mitch and Cody were always picking on him, mainly because Charlie was so easily wound up. They just loved to see their young brother boil over. Sure, there had been fist-fights aplenty, but in this neck of the woods, blood was definitely thicker than water, and most of the time, the three brothers were as thick as thieves.
"Are we goin' fishin' or what?" said Charlie. "Cos I sure as hell ain't gonna whip your asses while we're a standin' here like three old women."
"Oh boy, do I hear a wager comin' on?" said Cody, always willing to take a dollar or two from his kid brother.
"I got three bucks that says I get the biggest by mornin'."
"Hey Charlie boy, that's gonna be the easiest three bucks I've ever made. What about Mitch here, you gonna take him on too?"
"I ain't got no money Cody."
"That don't matter, I'll lend you a buck, if that's alright with Charlie."
"It's all money comin' my way, so let's get it on an' let's get goin'."
It was nearing the end of August and the Travis brothers had decided to make one last expedition to the lake. The weather could turn foul at any time now, and access to, and exit from, the lake would be impossible due to the depth of snow. Get caught unprotected in a snow storm in the 'Winds', and you freeze! Then there were the rumours. They went way back. Sure, people had gone missing, and the occasional body was found, but this didn't worry Cody, Mitch, and Charlie Travis. On the contrary, these brothers could care for themselves.
"It's just a mountain lion, or maybe a bear or something," Cody would say. "All this talk about a maniac on the loose in the mountains is just bullshit!"
The three hour drive was uneventful, apart from the usual friendly bickering, and it was late afternoon before the full beauty of the Wind River Mountains stood proud and majestic in the distance. Cody turned off the highway. There was no sign to indicate what lay ahead. It didn't seem necessary, as the lake had gained fame for its excellent fishing and shooting, by word of mouth, despite the rumours.
The pine trees bordering the lake opened out into a wide patch of dirt and scrub, devoid of trees. The patch, about eighty yards wide, was between two dense thickets. The Buick's tyres kicked up a sandstorm as Cody drove hard along the dusty track which led to their favourite spot, near the southern end of the patch. Cody stopped the Buick just short of the water and the Travis boys did as they always did, sat and admired the awesome beauty of the lake, stretching far into the distance. High ridges topped with pine gave the place a calm, almost serene sense of safety. You could feel the mountains closing in. Not in a claustrophobic way, but more like the mountains wanted to cradle you in their arms.
The brothers unloaded and pitched the tents, after which Charlie lit a camp-fire and made a pot of strong coffee. Cody looked up at the sky, everything was so peaceful.
All articles on this website by
Reiner are copyright ©Reiner and should not be reproduced
without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their
respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.
| Comments | |
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This has the makings of a fine sounding novel to me - the characters are great I can hear their different voices in my head - with a wonderful backdrop setting. Anxious to hear the next instalment.
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Poppy, all three chapters are now on site.
I hope you view the other two as well as the first.
Reiner.
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Great job! There are a couple of misplaced and missing commas, but that's just nitpicking. The characters are distinctive, the setting is realistic, and the dialogue is believable.
I really like, "like the mountains wanted to cradle you in their arms" - great imagery!
On to part 2... ;)
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I do tend to go a little over the top with commas. I have always chosen to read slowly so as to savour the words, especially when reading a good book. Unfortunately, that habit has rubbed off and I tend to use pauses more than modern writers do. It's something I should make an effort to change.
This is the first time I have read these chapters since writing them quite some time ago.I'll read the rest soon and hopefully, I'll have some idea of where I want to take it.
I stopped writing part way through chapter 6.
To be honest, I am amazed at the reception it's getting. I suppose I'll have to get to grips with it and shake it up a bit.
Reiner.
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This looks very promising. In the interests of being helpful I have the following suggestions:
You're tending to do to much teling and not enough showing. For example:
This, and sheer guts and determination, always won through, especially on a Friday night when those that didn't know him, foolishly tried to pick a fight.
You could describe this happening rather than saying it. readers get bored with being told too much. I think that in trying to sort these things out in your own mind you are over-developing the characters with narrative rather than letting them speak for themselves.
Hope that's helpful! FE
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Hi FE, I totally agree about telling and showing. I do have a problem you may be able to help with.
The section about Charlie and what happened of Friday nights regarding his fighting ability is narrated as in the past. To me, the only way I could show that as happening, would be through a flash-back.
The more I think about it the more interesting it gets. Can you suggest another way of doing it?
I'm away for the weekend from tomorrow morning so I won't be able to give any feedback, which I like to do daily.
Reiner.
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I think your purpose in writing about the fighting is to show that the brothers were not push-overs which makes their subsequent murder more intriguing. You could use a flash back or dialogue to achieve the same back story.
This sentence has been illustrated in the dialogue already I think - His elder brothers Mitch and Chuck were always picking on him, mainly because Charlie was so easily wound up.
Incidentally Chuck is usually a nickname for Charles and so the two names are a bit confusing.
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Hi FE, I appreciate what you say about Chuck and Charles. Further into the story it is revealed that the father is Chuck senior. I assumed that Chuck was a common first name in America and not just a nickname. As it may well be confusing, I'll change it to Ryan.
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Ah, dammit! I don't like Ryan as name. It doesn't go well with the added 'boy' when Chuck says Charlie boy. I may change Chuck's name. Haven't got time now though. I need to look at names and see what I feel fits the character, even though he isn't in the story very long. I'll need to change the father's name as well. At the moment I'm thinking Cody or Cory.
Reiner.
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I think I like Cody better than Cory. You want them to sound tough I guess. Ryan doesn't sound tough, that's true.
Sorry to cause such a bother !! :)
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No problem, FE. the naming of characters is important. Cody it is.
Reiner.
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Reiner, I'm glad you decided to post this.
Loved the reactions of the brothers with one another, reminded me of my three and teasing they all did. Clear voice for each one and distinctive. (Love the accent with dialect by the way. Smooth and natural, rolls right off the tongue.)
Descriptions are spot on too. I love it when you read something and it just pours inside your head and unfolds.
The flow is really well, very smooth. I agree with zion on the cradle with the mountains, great imagery.
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Kudos
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From 4 votes
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Total posts: 146
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Roles:
Writer
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Stoke on Trent, UNITED KINGDOM
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61 years of age. One published novel. The sequel is finished but finding it hard to place. Have been writing on and off for many years. Prefer to write horror. Also write stories and rhymes for young children. ... (Read more)
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