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The Lake: Chapter 2

By Reiner | Posted: 06 May 2009

Views: 269
Violence
Violence
Bad language
Bad language
This is short. The reason being that there is a change in direction.				

Chapter 2

Jake stood naked, waist deep in ice-cold water, several feet out from the shore-line. In the distance, about a mile further up the lake, a small plume of smoke gently threaded its way towards the purple sky. 
       After being in the water for over an hour, his mind built a barrier against the numbing cold. Slowly, sensuously, Jake's left hand moved the honing stone back and forth along the razor sharp blade of his Bowie knife, gently kissing it as the early morning sun kisses the tree-tops.
	Jake's life and soul belonged to the lake and the Wind River Mountains, it always had, and would do so until he drew his last breath; here he was born, here he would die. The Shoshone blood that coursed through his veins tied him to the lake and the surrounding forest. Jake knew every rock, hollow tree, ditch and hidey-hole. In his mind, the creatures that roam the forest and swim the lake were his to cherish, succour, but it had been a bad year. Too many people, too many fires, too much killing.
       This Utopia that was his ancestors' land needed change if it was to survive. Since Jake's induction into the Ritual of the Lake as a five year old, his blood had been sacrificed as a gift for the gods, the guardians of the lake.
	Jake raised his arms above his head and drew the point of the blade across the palm of his left hand. He looked up as a small cascade of blood fell to the lake. The moment his blood hit the water, dark, menacing clouds rolled over the mountains. A fierce wind began to blow and whipped the still water into waves of stinging spray. A lone wolf howled nearby as trees swayed and bowed at the sudden onslaught of wind.
	Jake looked at the clouds as they swept across the sky like phantoms in the night before lowering himself below the waves. Wraith-like ghosts rose from the depths and carried him further and deeper into the lake, and Jake knew that once again, the ancestral blood that flowed through his veins and into the lake was not enough to satiate the gods.
	Now, naked, washed clean by the spirits, Bowie knife in his right hand, Jake made his way towards the gentle plume of smoke and three sacrificial lambs.
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Comments 
poppy101
06 May 2009
Should it not be 'here he was born, here he would die.'  That bit where he raises his arms - really quickened the pace and made me catch my breath with its intensity - oh no whats going to happen next?
zion613
06 May 2009
Interesting development...

Just one thing: instead of this...

Now, naked, washed clean by the spirits, Jake, Bowie knife in his right hand, made his way...

how about this...

Now - naked, washed clean by the spirits, bowie knife in his right hand - Jake made his way...?

This is exciting! ;)
Reiner
06 May 2009
Now this is what I call commenting. Many thanks to you both for your remarks. I have put in the changes as suggested and it does read a lot better.

Reiner.
Jennifer Munro
07 May 2009
I love your descriptive passages. I can see you really feel what you're writing and I love your setting.

Try to cut out the word 'had' as much as possible and you'll be amazed at how much it improves your writing and makes it immediate and urges the reader onwards. 'Had' is a passive term.
Shadowwritr
09 May 2009
I agree cut some hads.  The name Jake was fine until I read one word.  Shoshone.  I get the feeling Jake is an old Indian in that passage that you wrote.  Well before the time of the white man.  Being if this is the case.  I would change the name.  It doesn't fit, that's the feeling I get.  Blame it on me being a Native Texan and loving the American Indian culture.  He needs something that is going to fit his station in life.  You know him better than anyone right now.  There is only one clue that could help with his name in the passage, and that is the lone wolf that called out.  I would suggest his name have something to do with his spirit animal.  One thing with Native Americans, a name meant something to them.  

Other than that, it was well written.  I can't help with grammar or spelling, I stink that.
Reiner
15 May 2009
I have rewritten some of the places where 'had' is. Those that are still there need a better writer than me to sort them out. I would appreciate any suggestions.

Everything I write is with feeling for whatever it is I'm writing about. I try to paint a picture with words. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Some people like it, some don't. The difficult bit is trying to get a balance; it's all to easy to get carried away with descriptions.

Jake is a man in his twenties. A modern man caught up with old traditions. I have no idea if the ritual of the lake is true. I have merely fictionalised the whole thing. The first part of the story is set in the 1960s. I chose the Shoshone simply because of the Wind River Mountains. I looked at a map of the States and fell in love with the name. If you could point me to a site that gives the meanings for Shoshone names, I would be obliged, because I can't find anything at all other than names for other tribes.

Many thanks for your comments and input.

Reiner.
Jennifer Munro
15 May 2009
A fire had been lit about a mile away, further up the lake
There was a lit fire .....

Although having been in the water for over an hour
After being in the water for over an hour his mind built a barrier against the numbing cold

For centuries, this Utopia had been just that.....
Change was needed if the lake was to remain a Utopia....

Really creepy - compulsive reading - very well done!

Hope the had help helps!
FE
Reiner
15 May 2009
Hi FE

Many thanks for your suggestions. If you re-read the piece, you will see not only the alterations, but I have left out Jake's gazing at the fire. I have done that deliberately and added a bit at the end which ties in the fire,(plume of smoke). I think it now reads much better. Hope you do too.

Reiner.

Writer
Reiner

Total posts:
146
Roles: Writer
Stoke on Trent, UNITED KINGDOM
61 years of age. One published novel. The sequel is finished but finding it hard to place. Have been writing on and off for many years. Prefer to write horror. Also write stories and rhymes for young children. ... (Read more)