My attempt at Horror writing by seanarcher

These will probably be the last words I write, they will come for me soon, and I can not stop them. I've lost my seal, my brothers are gone and I'm too tired. Wait, what's that noise? Just a window banging, where was I oh yes.
It started, when did it start exactly? I believe it was on the day of my promotion. I had left school at the age of 15; I took the first job that came my way. Safeway had been advertising for a trolley collector, the store was just around the corner from my parent's home so I applied and got the job. After working there for four years I'd made it to the heights of 2ic in the produce section, that's just a fancy title for lick spittle to the produce manager.
Patrick the produce manager had retired a week earlier, a very emotional day full of tears as he received his gold pen and a hearty pat on the back from the store manager. One week later in the same room John the store manager handed me a shiny new gold badge with my name and new title on it "Ben Dohan, Manager Produce section". "Glad to have you on board the managers team Ben, I expect great things from you" John bellows, he has a voice which doesn't go below a shout and a grip that would put a vice to shame.
"Hello?", "Hey ado, Ben here" I've called my brother Adrian, ado since child hood, I've called him that for so long now that I've forgotten why "Ahhh the big B, hey did you get your promo?" "Sure did bro" I replied with more than a hint of a smile in my voice "Well then" Adrian says in a semi serious voice "Congratulations Ben, we need to celebrate, come round for dinner tonight, and as you're a big wig now, it's your shout"
We had a fine meal that night, comprising of juicy tender sirloins with freshly steamed vegetables washed down with vintage 1995 Chianti. Adrian offered me a lift home, but after stepping out his front door and onto his little winding garden path, "You know what" turning to face Adrian "umm you're really gay? That's why you've never had a girlfriend?" replied my stand up comic brother. "Yeah come here, I want to give you a big kiss for dinner" I said stepping towards Adrian.. I was unbuttoning my jacket as I stepped closer; I couldn't help it the look on Adrian's face was too much, after what seemed like hours I stopped laughing. "I'm going to walk home; it's a warm night for winter."
It had been a good day all round, my spirits were the highest they've been for a long time. I was in such good spirits that the thought of walking down Trentmore St didn't send chills down my spine.
As a child Trentmore St held me in fear.
There are three lights which illuminate Trentmore St one at each end and one hanging over an old closed corner store. Their dull yellow light struggles to ward off the darkness, resulting in only enough light to see the pathway beneath each one. It is an old street, very old, its houses derelict with all the street facing windows smashed. The front doors are either just managing to hang on their hinges or are not there at all. During the day if I had to go down Trentmore St it would almost at a run. Each open doorway became a gaping mouth ready to swallow me whole if I got too close, a pair of eyes or a faint shape of a person waited behind most smashed windows.
Once I made the mistake of stopping to look into one of open door ways, I was sure I heard my name called out. There was no door, I could see in but only barely the darkness inside seemed to stop any light getting in. As I peered in, the darkness from within started to ooze out towards me, I couldn't move, I tried to scream but nothing come out. I could hear my name "bennnn...." whispering out through the doorway. I felt everything around me being pulled into the doorway as the darkness reached further out towards me.
Nothing.
I was standing there as I had been when I stopped to look in. I remember screaming but not much else as I fled home.

All articles on this website by seanarcher are copyright ©seanarcher and should not be reproduced without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.

Comments

JD Higginson

07 May 2009

An interesting start though could do with a little more depth into the character to make us feelhis terror. Punctuation could also be looked at, especially in the casual introduction.

Looking forward to reading more.

JD

zion613

07 May 2009

Very interesting. Like JD said, punctuation is an issue, but It sounds good.

I wonder where this is going... ;)

poppy101

07 May 2009

It has some interesting elements - I liked the sly humour around the job - as its not finished I cant quite judge if the middle section with the meal and subsequent conversation between the two brothers was totally relevant? Keep working on this it has potential.

Reiner

07 May 2009

It is interesting. Unfortunately for me, most of it could be classed as an anecdote.
As previously stated, punctuation is an issue as is not starting a new line with when there is dialogue. I found this confusing.

Is this intended to be made into a short story or a novel. Either way, I feel the opening is weak. There is too much information that has little to do with the plot.

I believe your opening line should be: As a child, Trentmore St held me in fear.

Straight away, the reader knows something isn't right with Trentmore Street. You could then add: It all began when...

If it's going to be a short, then just go straight for the jugular by saying that the events leading to walking alone down the dreaded street followed the celebration party. A fairly brief outline of the promotion would be good; it gives the main character the feel-good factor to walk down the street on his own. As it stands, the first 16 lines are not strong enough.

The last 9 lines just need tidying up.

I have attempted to show you what I mean. I have punctuated, as I see it; it may not be correct. I have changed a few words and added some here and there. I feel it adds more tension. Of course, this is your piece and the comments I have made are only my opinions. The slight alterations merely show how I would do it. It is not necessarily the right or the best way.

There are three lights which illuminate Trentmore St; one at each end and one hanging over an old closed corner store. Their dull yellow light struggles to ward off the darkness, resulting in only enough light to see the pathway beneath each one. It is an old street; very old. The houses stand derelict. Shards of glass from the smashed street-facing windows litter the pavement. The front doors are either just managing to hang on their hinges or are not there at all. During the day if I have to go down Trentmore St, it would be at a run. Each open doorway becomes a gaping mouth ready to swallow me whole if I get too close. I sense that eyes or the faint shape of a person waits behind most smashed windows.
Once I made the mistake of stopping to look into one of open door ways, I was sure I heard my name called out. As I peered in, the darkness from within started to ooze out towards me. It was as though a shadow of evil from within the house was invading the light of day. I couldn't move. I tried to scream but nothing come out. I could hear my name "Bennnn...." whispering through the doorway. I felt everything around me being pulled into the house as the darkness reached further out towards me.
Nothing.
I was standing there as I had been when I stopped to look in. I remember screaming but not much else as I fled home.

Reiner.

seanarcher

10 May 2009

I thank you for your comments they are encouraging. This is quite new for me and feed back of any type helps me to achieve my goals, unfortunately I think it's going to take some time :) I seem to be lacking in the core areas of writing. But I believe in jumping the deep and with concrete shoes on.  I find it's the best way to learn.  

Poppy101 you bought a smile to my face when you mentioned the humour, I was hoping that it wasn't too over the top. As for the meal bit now that I look at it again you are correct about its relevance.

JD and Zion your comments are encouraging and yes punctuation is an issue for me. 

Reiner, your comments and editing have really opened my eyes.

Thanks again guys/gals :)