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A touching look at death from a child's perspective. If you do expand it then try and keep the same endeering feel that the current version has. Just have a look at the last two lines as I'm struggling to make sense of the mid-sentence full stops.
Great job though.
Keep it up.
JD
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Thanks, JD. In the last two lines, I meant to put "..." but when you copy and paste from Word, this site translates that as "." . I corrected it.
;)
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Ah, I get it now. I've had that problem before too.
Love your work.
JD
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This was lovely and sensitive and true. Great writing !
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Charming and sensitive too.
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Sometimes by explaining a really complex subject to a child we understand it better ourselves - adults make things far too complicated than they need to be. Your son is very lucky to have an intelligent caring mother like yourself - children are born curious, they learn by touch, experimentation and when they possess language then by questioning - if I could give one piece of advice to any parent it would be to never stop answering those questions no matter how hard they are - I work in a school with a fairly high degree of poor backgrounds both socially and economically and it breaks my heart when the children have lost at the early age of 5 the ability to enquire about the world around them, usually the reason is because if no one answers your questions then guess what - you stop asking.
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Thank you so much for your comments, everyone.
Happy writing. ;)
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I have critiqued your work as follows -
[First impressions]
I found your work interesting and believable
I found your work to have an easy, rolling rhythm that moved the story forward
I remember that conversation with my own son. Mine had some of the same elements that yours had.
[Beginning]
I found the beginning compelling
Kids have some of the best facial expressions. Their faces are so open at times you can almost tell exactly what they are thinking. The opening of that piece showed it.
[Plot]
I thought your plot was good, exciting and distinguishable and had a central theme
On expanding it, I would suggest putting a little more of the expressions in. You know your child better than anyone, just watch him and see what he does, even when they talk about the silliest of things. That's the only thing I see missing, I know he's doing it, but you can't see it further on in the piece, but you get your reactions from his expressions.
[Characters]
Your characters jumped off the page at me and attracted my attention
I felt your characters were real people with real lives, faults and merits
[Dialogue]
Your dialogue moved the scene forward
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This was a really interesting piece if writing.
Very good.
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Good...your son is obviously very serious some of the time!
You should expand this. It's a good idea.
Audrey
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