Kudos 3.00 after 3 votes |
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This is all I've got written up in full even as a paper version at the moment. I'll try and get the next one out soon. For those who've read since part 1...bless you and thank you. I'll try and provide a satisfactory ending for you all.
Enjoy.
JD
* * * * *
The final hours within the woodlands seemed to Tam to fly by as he found himself miraculously looking forward to his new life in Camir after the harrowing and traumatic time he had spent so far on the road.
It seemed like no time at all to him before they eventually broke cover. The sun that had promised so much as it had pierced the leafy canopy on their journey through the forest fulfilled its potential as the gypsies stood at the forest fringe looking down over the rolling fields.
The sight took Tam's breath away. The patchwork of agricultural lands culminated in a mighty mountain, the slopes of which harboured vast stone buildings, carved into the rock and visible even at this distance. At the foot of the mountain sat a village. Tiny though it was it appeared to have a high turnover of visitors and Tam could make out several carts taking the roads to and from the only urban sight for miles around.
"Wow," he managed.
Allegra stood by his side and put an arm around his shoulders, hugging him close and sharing the awe he was experiencing.
"Two minutes," Gilly called out, interrupting their moment. "Then we're moving again. I want to reach Camir before nightfall."
"See?" said Allegra.
"Yeah," said Tam.
"You don't seem so enthusiastic."
"I'm just nervous."
"About meeting your mentor?"
Tam nodded.
"Well you've got plenty of time to relax," she assured him. "It's not as close as it looks, believe me."
Tam soon discovered that she was right.
The rolling lands hid dips and crests that lengthened the journey and made the going tough, especially for someone with as little stamina as Tam. What had looked like a few hour journey actually turned out to last just over half a day and so it was that the travellers arrived at a silent and deserted Camir beyond the nightfall estimate that Gilly had predicted.
The empty streets provided a grim welcome for Tam, lit only by the sparsely allocated lanterns spread at distant intervals throughout them. The buildings were understated and constructed from wood, thatch and more besides the stone that Tam expected to be present. It was a far cry from what he was used to but, then again, what had he expected?
"I guess this is where we part ways," said Allegra, turning to face her companion.
Tam hadn't realised how difficult this moment of parting would be.
"I guess so," he agreed.
He stepped forward into her waiting embrace, savouring the warmth and comfort it offered.
"Ahe-hem."
Both beings looked up at the polite, gentle cough.
"Don't look so sad, you two," said Gilly. "We'll be stayin' here a few days yet to see what business we can do so I'm sure you'll see plenty of each other."
Tam's upturned gaze was met by a tight smile from Allegra.
"Do you know where your mentor lives?" she asked.
Tam shook his head.
"I'll find him, though. Don't worry about me. Thanks for bringing me here."
Allegra nodded and gifted the tulai a final, sad smile before turning and following her companions deeper into the town. Tam watched them go with sadness, tired and alone in a strange town and cutting a forlorn figure in the lanternlight. He took a few moments to gather his reserve and shouldered his meagre possessions before setting out along the unfamiliar streets.
Had Tam known any better he would have applied the word 'traditional' to the glimpses he obtained of the city wherever the sparse lighting would allow. Coloured doors signified the residential areas and these gradually thinned to reveal the colourfully painted signs of small businesses.
Still Tam was no nearer to having a clue as to the whereabouts of his mentor, though his task was hardly made easier by the lack of anyone to ask, and he eventually came upon the open space of the town square. A fountain stood at its centre, flanked at the front, back and either side by four, simple benches.
Tam was tired - too tired, he reasoned in his semi-conscious state, to continue his search right now. With faltering steps he moved towards the fountain and set his small sack down at the base of it. He curled up on the hard surface of the closest bench, deciding there and then that he would do his searching in the morning when he could think a little straighter.
For now, all he needed to do was sleep.
Kudos 3.00 after 3 votes |
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Comments, critiques and replies
I am up to date now. Great keep it coming. I am enjoying it, but I have a few niggles.
"beyond the nightfall estimate that Gilly had imposed" - I think you mean implied.
I think there is a typo here "... his mentor, though is task was hardly ..."
A small point on the plot.
What is Tam's motivation for leaving his companions?
Does Tam really have no idea where he will find his mentor? | Shavalarj Hit [28] | 08/05/2009 |
All he knows is that he's somewhere in Camir. It was Allegra who first indicated that that was the point
where they should part ways and Tam obliged, hoping that he could easily seek out the mentor he had been
assigned to.
I'll work on it a bit, especially the part 1, before continuing.
Thanks for reading and sharing your opinions.
JD | JD Higginson [410] | 08/05/2009 |
Excellent, as usual. The plot is moving along at a nice pace, and it holds the reader's interest.
I realize this is a first draft, but I have a few suggestions. Please let me know if I'm overstepping:
culminated => I know what you're trying to say, but this word doesn't seem quite right
He rolling lands => The ...
elongated => lengthened
for Tam => not necessary, especially since you go on to further describe the streets, not Tam
back in his home city => not necessary
He fell forward into her embrace => I have a hard time picturing this; it seems like a very awkward
- almost comical - situation
A still water feature => what sort?
With faltering steps he walked forward slowly, dragging his feet as he went => I think there's some
unnecessary repetition in here; try to condense it
I really enjoy your work, and this piece really speaks to me.
Keep writing! ;) | zion613 [304] | 08/05/2009 |
You're not overstepping at all. Anything constructive is welcome. I'll see what I can do.
JD | JD Higginson [410] | 08/05/2009 |
Updated. Hopefully that reads better now.
Thanks for the feedback.
JD | JD Higginson [410] | 08/05/2009 |
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