The Writers' Circle

I wrote this a few years ago and pulled it out a couple months ago. It's something I wrote after a visit to someone close to me who was struggling a bit...in many ways. Sometimes, I put on my empathetic hat and place my fingers on the keyboard to see where they lead me - this was one of those times.

I have a varied background and as I look back at the phases of my life...they sometimes seem to be chapters in a book, which, in fact, I like to believe they are - a book I get to write and direct as I see fit. Sociology - the way our culture (regardless of the culture one was raised within) has such a profound effect upon what we come to believe as right, wrong, good, and bad...and yet - that type of thinking and living can often create suffering that is hard to escape from - unless one is willing to say goodbye to that type of mindset, and that type of life.

Anyway, this piece tells how I believe we fall prey to habitual patterns of living - starting out as innocent experiments but so often leading to a groundhog day existence that's often-times hard to escape from...and yet, there seems to be things - people, places, or things that bring us back to a peaceful place if only for a few moments...to keep us from sinking to the bottom and staying there...perhaps.

Help me With My Pain

	I awoke this morning to find my archenemy floating above my bed.  I quickly closed my eyes hoping that I was just dreaming...yet I wasn't.  When I again opened my eyes, it was looking down upon me.my tormentor for the past thirty years.   I thought that perhaps I had outrun the beast, having moved to new locations twice in the last year.  Yet as the morning sun made its entrance through my frost covered bedroom window, I realized that once again my demon had found me.  The beauty of the morning sunrise would be lost to the darkness cast upon me by my nemesis.  When will I rid myself of this serpent that spits poison into my eyes and blinds me to the light of the world?  Please God, hear my call.how much pain can one man take?  Rescue me from this creature's grip upon my life.  Its talons rip at my very being and drain my lifeblood day in and day out.  I'm too wearied from the battles of my past and I fear that my adversary's power will overwhelm me and destroy what little hope I still have.   Please.help me with my pain.

	I got out of bed and went into the bathroom.  In the mirror I saw an old man I didn't know.  Were those my wrinkles on this face that stared back at me?  As I looked at my aging face in the mirror, loneliness overwhelmed me and I began to cry.  Where had the years gone?  Where had the loved-ones in my life gone?  Why have I been abandoned?  I was alone and my hope for love, friendship and meaning in my life was in short supply.  I was surviving, if you could call it that, crippled and alone.I felt like a stray cat that no one would take in.  How did I get to this point?  My nemesis floated above me gloating and said in a voice that pierced my soul, "I am your only friend.I am your past.your present.and your future, I am your only reality.  You gave your life to me thirty years ago and I will never give it back."  I cried harder as I realized I was the only one who could see and hear my tormentor.  How would I make it through this day?  How will I make it through this moment?  

Like a parasite, the beast suckles upon the marrow of my soul.  He gave me what I once wanted, back when I was a young man.  He gave me the freedom I wanted.  He gave me all of the pleasures my body and mind craved.friends, sex, drugs.an escape to another place.an escape to another reality.  He gave me what I wanted in return for my soul.  He gave me what I asked for.he gave me what I needed.he gave me what I now have.he gave me this life that I now anguish within.  My demon lives in my mind and whispers in the ears no one can see.   He taught me to love things that can't be loved.  He taught me to give up control of my life.  He taught me to blame others for my own misfortune.  He taught me that I must take refuge anywhere but within myself.  He places thoughts in my head, which in-turn control my actions.my desires.my world.  He drove away those who once loved me. Everyone else is moving forward with their lives, and yet I am left here in my never-ending hell.alone.under the watchful eyes of the devil himself.  I cannot see the light that surrounds me.  I am in total darkness even with the sun shining brightly outside of my window. Why have I been abandoned?  Why do I see only darkness?  

And so.my day goes on.and my moment of darkness finally passes when I sit before the piano and slip away into the bliss of my music.  I play and I play and my nemesis becomes more of a blur with each key I caress with my shaking fingers.  Goodbye for now.my enemy.my savior of the past.  I become absorbed in my music.I become lost in the sweet sound each key sings out.I am saved for the moment and light again shines through my living room window.  Thank you for hearing my call.  I think I will make it through another moment.I think I will make it through another day.