A random scene I wrote today... by Dragonwriter

It's a short but pivitol scene to the story I'm writing. All feedback is appreciated.

Vincent and Lyon- Scene?

Vincent did not return until late, when the moon had touched the center of the star-atudded sky. Lyon stopped himself from asking why, having noticed his brother's sour mood. He decided to study a magic book instead of the usual practice. Vincent paced continously, lost deep in thought, but occasionally glanced over at his younger sibling with curiosity. Slightly annoyed, Lyon looked up.
"What?"
Vincent shrugged. "You amaze me."
Wondering if he had meant to be sarcastic,  Lyon frowned. "I prefer to think of myself as normal, even if you don't."
His brother laughed, an unusual sound coming from someone who looked as sinister as death. "No, you...inspire me. We'll train tommorow." He smiled at Lyon. "Pain is weakness leaving the body.  You'll need to go through more than most, I'm afraid, but your mind must always have control."
Lyon nodded, understanding. "I will not be caged again." he said, staring at the stars without seeing them.
"Never let anyone take away your freedom," Vincent stated, "ever. You're the purest thing on this twisted planet."
"Do you really think so?"
"I do. You'll understand more when I take you to ground nine tommorow."
Lyon had no idea what ground nine was, but nodded anyway.
To be continued....

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Comments

DeUndrae

05 June 2009

It seems like the brothers are going to spar each other, right? I can see this as a scene from some novel, maybe the middle of it where a group of students venture into the interior of a school in a city. Yeah. . . I can see it now. . .

Well anyways, the problem I saw was a mix-up in POV; you went straight from Vincent's POV to Lyon's, unless your point of view is third-person omniscient, right?

Maybe I'm a detailed person, but I'd like to see some hand gestures from the two characters, if you know what I'm saying. It gives the two characters a sense of character development. I mean don't do it every time, but maybe let Lyon gesture more often than Vincent.

Other than that it's excellent. I can't wait to read more.

Good Job!

DeUndrae

Dragonwriter

06 June 2009

Thanks for the critique! It is in third person omniscent, though I'm not completely used to writing in that POV. How would you describe hand gestures? The only way I can think of right now would be to have Lyon fiddle with the book pages. Thanks again!
Sincerely,

Dragonwriter

DeUndrae

06 June 2009

Good question. I probably shouldn't have said hand gestures; I should have said more action. Maybe have Vincent touch Lyon with the tip of his finger when Lyon thinks he's being sarcastic, or maybe have Lyon point or scratch his head in confusion when Vincent said that he amazes him. Doesn't need to be detailed or wordy. Just a simple, "Lyon scratched the back of his head, his eyebrows lifting, his lips twisting into wax warping in the sunlight. `Are you okay?`" Something like that. You can use this easy technique every once in a while, or you don't have to do it at all if it's not your style. Just a suggestion. Hope this helps!

DeUndrae

Simone

06 June 2009

You know I really like the things you say like..pain is weakness leaving the body. . I find that that is what makes this scene pivitol..it really makes you feel it

AVFreaky22

07 June 2009

This is scene is really good. Its gripping. I was drawn to it. I'd love to see what happens next. "Pain is weakness leaving the body". . . If I  remember correctly, its a saying in the Marine Corp which I agree with  :)

Dragonwriter

08 June 2009

Thanks everyone. I'll see what I can do about the action part.

audreyhepburn

20 November 2009

Great! Very unique!

taylorswift97

06 January 2010

This is an interesting scene, I like it.
It has me wondering what it is they are training for(???)
I am hoping that you will post the full story when you are finished?
I'm interested to read the full story after this small part (which I was impressed with).

taylorswift97

ps. I love the "pain is weakness leaving the body"

Also see: She Quit? (sunny girl) • Help Me With My Pain...for now (Verner) • The crimson scarf (bay gurney) • LITTLE WHITE LIES (kreeves106) • My new life as a dead person (Alec NW) • The Circle That NEVER Stops Turning.Chapter 2.TRAGEDY (Simone) • Gloves (Hannah21) • Planus: Quill Crest (jackadder) • Chapters 1-3 of a potential novel "The Grey Order" - would like to know what people think (Ashbie) • My first try (arekab126)

Kudos

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Writer Dragonwriter	Total posts: 147
Roles: Writer

San Diego, UNITED STATES

Hello! I am a young fantasy writer with serious ambitions. I write as a kid, for kids. My motto is 'there's always more you can do', which is probably why I work my tail off at getting published. I've ... (Read more)

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