The Writers' Circle

I have critiqued your work as follows -

[First impressions]
I found your work interesting and believable
I found your work to have an easy, rolling rhythm that moved the story forward
I'm left wondering, what is coming?  Curious.  Intrigued.
[Beginning]
I found the beginning compelling
A flutter of excitment that this is the start to a great novel?
[Plot]
I thought your plot moved forward in a structured way
The plot is still undecided, unclear.  I felt though, that there is definately a hint of something to come... maybe a bit more of these brothers will be revealed int he next chapter?
[Characters]
I get the impression, that they are possibly, not "normal" characters, like someone I would possible know.  However, I am curious.  Maybe these are characters I would like to get to know.
[Dialogue]
Your dialogue was natural
Your dialogue moved the scene forward
I could sense real conflict, attitudes and intentions from the dialogue
[Viewpoint]
When the POV was changed, it was done clearly

This sounds a lot better than the first. definitely more showing, and I can relate to the characters. Just wants me to read what happens the next day. 

The only thing I didn't like was the phrase "sinister as death."
It just sounded like as banal to me after seeing it many times from other writers. Maybe you can make an original statement for it, like this one:

His brother laughed--quite unusual for a person whose aura scratched anyone's consciousness.

Might not be the best sentence in the world, but it can work. When you come across a cliche in your work, try to make sure you can come with an original statement instead. Of course, if you can't then just put "sinister as death" in the scene. Wouldn't want you to have writer's block.

It's excellent in my opinion, just change the "sinister as death" part if you can.

DeUndrae

"looked like a rabid wolf." I like it.