The Writers' Circle

A spokesman for a top level Met Office weather planning team has revealed a recent series of highly confidential discussions with key Whitehall officials and EC Ministers aimed at 'reaching a new and lasting consensus on the nature of the British climate'.

The previously secret meetings were held at a 5 star Spanish hotel; a decision which has been criticized for it's lack of sensitivity during the current air of economic gloom, and follow on from a stormy series of talks with EC ministers and climate experts on the practicalities of an integrated 'one size fits all' European climate.

Whitehall had previously agreed to merge the weather systems across the UK into the new continental model which would see traditional British weather being phased out by no later than 2012, but a loophole in the legislation now means that the Met Office is able to return the British mainland and all islands within British coastal waters to an independent climate of it's own determination.

Under the new guidelines, Britain will be able to return to a more traditional pattern of strong winds and heavy snow in winter, wet and miserable Bank Holidays and droughts throughout the Summer. "It'll be just like the British weather that we had when we were kids" according to Mr Sam Eastwood, 72, a retired Met Office official from Accrington, Lancashire who attended the meetings on behalf of 'Deluge', a pressure group which was formed just over two years ago to oppose the controversial European plans. "We'll go back to the good old days of long, hot English summers, and proper cold icy and snowy winters"

Sipping cocktails on the veranda of his Portuguese retirement home Mr Eastwood added "This a great and memorable day for the entire British nation. It's British weather for British people, and long may that remain!"

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