The Writers' Circle

"Bye Gran"
"Don't say goodbye, I prefer it when you just sneak off!" 
And there it was - the sudden, unexpected, lucid moment of the visit - and of course it had to be this heartbreaking insight, right at the end of visiting time, leaving that phrase as my lasting memory of her.

"Never put me in one of them homes" - that's what Gran had always said. Her brother, my great Uncle Kevin. had suffered several strokes, and when his wife was no longer able to care for him at home he had been looked after in a nursing home. And he had been looked after well, but Gran had detested it. Whenever she had gone to see him she had cried, and had always repeated that phrase - "never put me in one of those places - shoot me first".

But of course, it hadn't worked out like that. Grandad had died in his sleep one night - peacefully, having never had to spend a night in hospital his whole life. Gran found him in the morning - they were sleeping in separate bedrooms by then, apparently due to Grandad's snoring.  None of us quite realised what a shock it was for her - to walk in and find him dead in his bed. And what none of us knew, or even suspected until then was her total dependence on him.

They had constantly bickered - or rather, Granddad had stayed quiet and got on with things, while Gran had complained about how useless he was and laughed at him - it was only after he'd died that I realised that she loved him dearly and was so lost without him. I'd always thought she was the strong one, but really it was him - she went to pieces when he died.

I remember her coming to visit and us going to Cambridge for the day. God knows, they'd never had any money, but she had a twenty pound note in her purse which she had open - the wind caught the note, and it started to blow away - she didn'think it was anything, she had no idea of the value of it! I think it was this incident that made me start to question her state of mind - she wasn't stupid - eccentric yes, but surely she understood about money and simple mathematics? Or had Grandad really managed to cover for her for all those years?

And so, it had been a fairly rapid decline after that - she was still living in the home where she and Grandad had lived - the place where all the family had gathered for so many occasions - happy family celebrations and heartbreaking family tragedies alike. This house was an integral part of my childhood - I'd been the first grandchild, and had spent so many nights there, and virtually every Christmas for the first 18 years of my life. At first it just seemed like forgetfulness, but when the fire brigade had been called out yet again because she'd left the hob on with a pan overboiling, or left the buns in the oven to catch fire, it became apparent to us all it was probably more than just absent mindedness, or even grief.