Kudos 3.25 after 4 votes |
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Like untouched white petals
In little hiccups
The butterfly melts on the breeze
Shiny cuttings of silky ribbon
Aflutter so neatly
So freely bouncing
On each tiny flurry of wind
Kudos 3.25 after 4 votes |
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Comments, critiques and replies
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This is a pretty, whimsical piece. There are just two thinks I think you should change: "melts,"
because I don't think it gives the image you want to convey, and "a flutter" to "aflutter."
Great job! ;) | zion613 [323] | 05/07/2009 |
Thanks for the feeback zion, 'melts' is also a word I've been unsure about but I chose it to show the
warmth of summer underneath the breeze, but maybe it doesn't work. I don't really have any ideas for a
replacement. | clifton [237] | 17/07/2009 |
Yeah the word 'melts' doesnt work because you've already described the butterfly in terms of hiccups
which is great and I know exactly what you mean but it cant go from jerky movements to melting - otherwise
I like this. | poppy101 [216] | 23/07/2009 |
Thanks, fair point, I will change that when I think of something. | clifton [237] | 23/07/2009 |
How about - "The butterfly dances in the breeze" ? Just a thought. Anyway, I love this short
little poem and the scene and motion it describes. | bobchoi [504] | 24/07/2009 |
Thanks for the idea, I'm reluctant to use 'dances' as I have used it quite a lot before. | clifton [237] | 24/07/2009 |
Really neat description of butterflies.
But a beautiful, crisp image in my head.
One of my favourites! | taylorswift97 [365] | 25/01/2010 |
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