I wrote this long ago (1996) during the time many family members were writing essays about being proud to be part of the Frederick Clan. It was a contest my Great Uncle financed - paying $100 for every entry received. My Great Uncle had researched, written, and published a book on our family's history (hence my "number" at the end of the letter).
He had written a letter to my dad complaining a bit that he had not received any entries - even though the deadline for sending in our essays had not yet passed (I guess he was one of those guys that handed in work before it was actually due...).
Anyway, I wrote the following little response and sent it in to my Great Uncle - hoping to get a smile from a wonderful man...and I did. (...and just to let you know, my wife, two sons, and I all got our essays in on time, netting our family $400 - wish it was as easy to sell my essays to magazines...). Here's the essay/letter:
The Procrastination Gene
After reading your letter to my dad (he passed it on to everyone to make us feel guilty), I believe that you failed to realize an obvious hereditary affliction which has cursed our generation. Since you live in Illinois, you have not observed the nature of our unique and unfortunate lifestyles, which until recently, could not be explained. Yet, in recent years, two important psychological studies, the first conducted at the University of Southern California, and later replicated in a study completed at Boston College, confirmed the presence of a diabolical gene known as PG141, more commonly referred to as "The Procrastination Gene".
As outlined in an article found in the May 1996 edition of Psychology Today, the gene usually occurs every other generation, although it sometimes mysteriously only occurs every third generation. Unfortunately, once the gene has been identified, little can be done to aid in the debilitating effects, which, in some cases, can be fatal. At any rate, the gene was confirmed to be present when a routine blood analysis of Rick Frederick (your great nephew) showed an abnormality which was later confirmed to be the dreaded PG141 gene. After the results became known within our family, and after realizing that I seemed to fit the stereotypical pattern found by those carrying the PG141 gene, I also had extensive testing performed which, unfortunately, confirmed my most dreaded fear. Although the effects of this affliction are obvious in all of us, we have, for the most part, learned to cope with this unfortunate curse handed down to us by our forefathers.
It seems, now that you are aware of the indictment which has been handed down to our generation, that pushing deadlines ahead will not achieve the results you seek. Now that you understand the handicap we must live with in our everyday struggle to survive, I hope you can appreciate the achievements we've all made coping with such misfortune. Fortunately, my wife Joan is not infected with the PG141 gene and has been able to persuade us to sit down and work on our writing projects (with prescribed doses of "nagging"). With her efforts we were all able to complete our essays and get them in the mail to you before the designated deadline.
Although the underlying reason for our delayed response can be blamed upon the PG141 gene, I suppose having prizes of $500, $1,000 or better yet, $10,000, may have helped to improve the timeframes of submissions.
Written with "Some Humor"
By your Great Nephew,
Mark Verner Frederick Sr.
131164334
December 14, 1996