Kudos 5.25 after 7 votes |
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He died over the phone
He wasn't strong enough
she said
to last through the night
she said
no need for flowers
or clean Pyjamas,
or small talk
We were shut in the room
with a sign
on the door
for the cleaners
all the frantic noise had gone
all the steel machines powerless
and the catheter
drained
So this was my dad's death bed
it was never big enough
for his feet
or for his soul
as it turned out
They cried
I didn't cry
they both cried
I wanted angels and anger
and echoes of those
already gone
for my grief
but all I felt
was the cold clean hand of my father
not guiding
not protecting
just cold
Kudos 5.25 after 7 votes |
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Comments, critiques and replies
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Thanks for your comments Clifton, I'm still not completely happy with it but your thoughts are greatly
appreciated | simonj [10] | 16/07/2009 |
Clifton, On reading it back II like the rhythm and the sentiments, but occasion some of the words or
phrases are a little lazy (especially the use of "soul") | simonj [10] | 16/07/2009 |
Clifton, Obvious is the right word. You're correct to say that there is a balance between the obvious
and the forced. Thanks again for your comments. | simonj [10] | 17/07/2009 |
Simon.
I really like this.
The feelings shown are short and to the point.
Numb from the loss of a loved one.
I can feel the pain inside as I read it.
Festerocious. | Festerocious [75] | 18/07/2009 |
Wow, this was so honest. Not over-the-top, not false or overcrowded. | MellyMooMar [35] | 18/07/2009 |
Simple and honest. Language flows well.
Unsure about "as it turned out", do you need that line at all? | jarvic [9] | 20/07/2009 |
jarvic, thanks. Take your point on the line. I was trying to put across a coldness / matter of factness,
but it may be unnecessary | simonj [10] | 20/07/2009 |
I like this poem - some of it works exceptionally well - the stanza that starts 'so this was my dad's...'
do you need 'so this was my' ? as it sounds a bit conversational - the line 'as it turned out' is definately
needed I think to make the idea of his soul sound like you're not just throwing in an abstract idea in
an attempt to sound profound but using it to show your emotionless state backed up by the last two stanza's
- however I dont like the stanza that says - 'they cried .....' in my opionion it needs to be reworked
or left out.
I do however really like the last one - with the last thought mirroring precisely how you feel. | poppy101 [211] | 22/07/2009 |
Poppy101, Thats very nice of you to say, and thanks for the excellent critique. Your comments on the
"cried" portion are interesting. The poem is partly about guilt, and this refers to the poets
feelings towards the others in the room. It doesn't fit well enough reading it now, so I think I agree
with you about a re-write. Thanks again | simonj [10] | 22/07/2009 |
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