holding hands by simonj

He died over the phone
He wasn't strong enough
she said
to last through the  night
she said
no need for flowers 
or clean Pyjamas, 
or small talk

We were shut in the room
with a sign
on the door
for the cleaners
all the frantic noise had gone
all the steel machines powerless
and the catheter
drained 


So this was my dad's death bed
it was never big enough
for his feet
or for his soul
as it turned out

They cried
I didn't cry
they both cried

I wanted angels and anger
and echoes of those 
already gone
for my grief
but all I felt
was the cold clean hand of my father
not guiding
not protecting
just cold

All articles on this website by simonj are copyright ©simonj and should not be reproduced without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.

Comments

simonj

16 July 2009

Thanks for your comments Clifton, I'm still not completely happy with it but your thoughts are greatly appreciated

simonj

16 July 2009

Clifton,  On reading it back II like the rhythm and the sentiments, but occasion some of the words or phrases are a little lazy (especially the use of "soul")

simonj

17 July 2009

Clifton, Obvious is the right word.  You're correct to say that there is a balance between the obvious and the forced.  Thanks again for your comments.

Festerocious

18 July 2009

Simon.

I really like this.

The feelings shown are short and to the point.
Numb from the loss of a loved one.
I can feel the pain inside as I read it.


Festerocious.

MellyMooMar

18 July 2009

Wow, this was so honest. Not over-the-top, not false or overcrowded.

jarvic

20 July 2009

Simple and honest. Language flows well. 

Unsure about "as it turned out", do you need that line at all?

simonj

20 July 2009

jarvic, thanks.  Take your point on the line.  I was trying to put across a coldness / matter of factness, but it may be unnecessary

poppy101

22 July 2009

I like this poem - some of it works exceptionally well - the stanza that starts 'so this was my dad's...'  do you need 'so this was my'  ? as it sounds a bit conversational - the line 'as it turned out' is definately needed I think to make the idea of his soul sound like you're not just throwing in an abstract idea in an attempt to sound profound but using it to show your emotionless state backed up by the last two stanza's - however I dont like the stanza that says - 'they cried .....'  in my opionion it needs to be reworked or left out.
I do however really like the last one - with the last thought mirroring precisely how you feel.

simonj

22 July 2009

Poppy101, Thats very nice of you to say, and thanks for the excellent critique.  Your comments on the "cried" portion are interesting.  The poem is partly about guilt, and this refers to the poets feelings towards the others in the room.  It doesn't fit well enough reading it now, so I think I agree with you about a re-write.  Thanks again