Kudos 3.00 after 6 votes |
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Orbiting, circling, gliding around the sun
The blue and green planet is on the run
From asteroids in outer space
And the follies of the human race
From its occupants it can't escape
Like a plague of locusts they breed and rape
Taking everything of any use
They leave the earth defiled and abused
Too late they realise the error of their ways
That life is short and it is the end of their days
The shining bright orb of the sun
Will still keep a silent watch on the planet on the run.
Kudos 3.00 after 6 votes |
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Comments, critiques and replies
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Liked what you were saying. | Mr Richard [207] | 10/07/2009 |
This is a great idea, such an interesting image and the rhyme works well. However I think the first three
words should be changed (in my opinion) as 'orbiting' and 'circling' are synonyms and the word 'gliding'
just seems a bit too effortless in comparison to the message of the poem. The word 'rape' also threw me
a bit, is that really on par with breeding for ruining the earth? | clifton [231] | 16/07/2009 |
I think Clifton is right about the first three words - you could just cut out two of the words altogether
- sometimes less is more. I actually think the word rape fits - if you're talking about the extremes
of human activity striping away the earths natural resources - is it not the same as selfishly and violently
taking what they want with no regard for the recipient?
The last line jars a bit - I would be tempted to put:-
'Will still keep a silent watch on the planet...
on the run.' | poppy101 [216] | 23/07/2009 |
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