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Ha, so the baby or child bit her own arm in a nightmare... interesting concept... and I enjoyed all the fascinating visual transformations you managed to pack into one sentence. But there's one drawback with this story that's difficult to overcome: how can a child describe her nightmare in such sophisticated, adult words? Hmmm... suppose this was written by a grown-up recalling a childhood nightmare... no, doesn't feel right.
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Yes an adult looking back at a nightmare he had as a child. Not obvious ? Oh well....
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Hi Mr. Richard,
You may want to start this with the second paragraph to give the reader something to think about. Was it a nightmare? Was it hallucinations induced chemically? Then put the first sentence after '... another dimension' or you may not even have to because you had mentioned ' ... as I awoke ...'. Understood as a nightmare.
The last sentence is quite obvious it was a child (though some may say he could be a mentally-challenged adult). However, without saying so, it is deduced as a child.
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Hmm interesting - of course I'm trying to analyse the content of the dream which is pretty disturbing but I guess that justifies the quality of the writing if I believe it enough to worry about it!
I agree with Grampa about moving that first line - personnally I think after 'another dimension..' would be perfect.
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Yes, the teddy and the thumb made it clear that the narrator had been a child, but wouldn't it be more interesting (challenging actually) if the nightmare was recounted in words that a child would use? I know that will not be easy...
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That's what I love about this site.I come home from work and find all these comments waiting!
I suppose I wanted to say it was a dream right from the start to kind of get away from the - it was all a dream , the end - kind of cop out. The fact it was about a child's experience all along was meant to be a kind of punchline so if I had written it in the style of a child that would have given it away I think. As for Clifton's question about was it a dream I have had? It certainly has bits of dreams I have had (The boiled egg bit for sure) and is very much in the style of nightmares I had as a child often ending with me screaming but it only coming out muffled when I awoke. I suppose I wanted to capture the essence of a nightmare,how sureal one can be yet feel so real at the same time, and also to show a child's mind as an advanced complex thing,sometimes as adults we can forget this. I'm not entirely pleased with what I came up with but enjoyed the little exercise Thanks very much for your comments, thanks for taking the time to read it.
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Hi buddy enjoyed the journey but have you gone into hibernation not seen your work for a couple of months.
I have just returned to a bit of writing after Marjories fight with cancer
we are now over the worst so look forward to reading some of your humour again.
mature gent
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Browsing the site and saw this. Dont know how I missed it. Excelent!.
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