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I have critiqued your work as follows -
[First impressions]
I found your work interesting and believable
At first I thought it was going to be good but as it went on for me it lost impetus.
[Beginning]
I found the beginning compelling
The begining was ok but so much more could have been made of it with a lapel grabbing start.
[Plot]
The plot is excellent. Changing ones job is always emotional, even sometimes tearful, almost always traumatic but for me the author failed to bring these emotions out.
[Characters]
A lack of colurful narrative made the conversations bland and boring.
[Dialogue]
There was too much long monologue
Dialogue was sometimes confusing due to a lack of paragraph change in character. Over use of I said, He said, I replied, I lied.
[Viewpoint]
There was more than one person's view in a given chapter
at times confusing due to character jumping between the same paragraph.
[Pruning and polishing]
There was too much dialogue where specific details would have made a greater impact
[Showing versus telling]
There were problems with showing versus telling
More colourful writing would have made the reading so much better.
[Commas]
There were punctuation problems to do with commas
comma's must precede the name or term in lieu of a name
[Overall comments]
Generally speaking the writing was good but could have been so much better with a little more emotion and descriptive writing
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