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IN THE DARK OF NIGHT
By
Jayeflo
| Posted:
24 September 2008
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Page 1
Short Story
In The Dark Of Night
By
June Allison
The Night was dark. The trees of the forest swayed and creaked. The leaves talked together in whispers about danger. Danger for an unsuspecting victim.
They whispered about a stealthy figure which lurked amongst them as indeed, he had lurked there for victims at other times.
Now and then, small creatures scuttled back and forth through the undergrowth in their quest for food, nothing seemed unusual to them as they went about their nightly foraging, but a dark figure skulked behind a tree.
It was not an unduly warm night to be out and it was a little frightening for the solitary figure that wandered along the path at the edge of the forest.
She could not help feeling uncomfortable as she went on her way. it was eerie and quiet, only a slight breeze broke the silence.
A shiver ran through her body. She knew someone or something was lurking there in the murky forest, overhanging with strange dripping trees.
Suddenly, she heard a soaring sound and stopped in her tracks ears listening...listening. The soaring sound stopped. Everything was quiet again.
She moved along and then halted abruptly, glancing about then turning her head to look back.
The moon shimmied its way from behind a cloud lighting up the forest, shining across a stretch of path between the trees. Pools of moonlight were dotted here and there through gaps amongst the trees.
After a moment a large shadow appeared across that stretch of path, she did a full turn to look. She could see a pair of eyes staring at her from out of the darkness.
The brain behind the eyes thought, if he passed her, he must run the risk of the solitary figure seeing him. He did not want that! He wanted the 'element of surprise' when he attacked so he sidled up close to a huge old Oak tree, which stood proud against the moonlit sky, and hid behind it.
He was becoming restless but little did he know that the solitary figure had seen his shadow on the stretch of path and his eyes staring at her.
She shivered and began to move quickly, glancing about and listening. She could hear stealthy movement running parallel to her between the trees.
She fled in panic, fear in her heart as she ran, falling against the bushes as a bat came flying at her from the darkness. She stopped, listening for a sound, her eyes wide with terror...nothing. Then...The snap of a twig, sound of leaves rustling.
She backed away from the sound, turned and ran for her life brushing against the undergrowth in her haste to reach safety. Her lungs were gasping for breath, here breast rising and falling rapidly. The thump! thump! of her heart was almost visible beneath her coat, she felt that her predator could see it.
She tried not to breathe because of the noise which she felt sure could be heard, but her lungs were desperate for air. Then she heard the rustling of leaves and twigs snapping again then...an outline of a shadowy figure appeared between the trees, breath exuding from mouth and nostrils. She backed away, eyes widening in fear, then rushed through the undergrowth and up an embankment.
There is a noise behind her now and she could hear laboured breathing. She is terrified but the instinct of 'self preservation' is strong. Suddenly she was grabbed, the blood froze in her veins, then a demon possessed her and with all of her might she wriggled, writhed and twisted until she managed to break free.
She flung herself down an embankment and fell into a dry beck, but instantly she was up and running...running towards a road that ran along the front of the forest. her feet hit hard on the surface when she reached the road, running, bounding and jumping in every effort to escape. The sound of movement was close behind her now.
The headlights of a car are approaching, but she did not care, she had to get away from her pursuer. She ran across the road with a few yards to spare. Suddenly, there is a loud bang, as if something had been hit. She halted in her tracks and turned.
The car stopped and the occupants got out. They bent down and looked, talking to each other, their voices drifting away on the wind. She watched them move the body of her dead tormentor to the side of the road and drive away.
The near victim could not say anything but she knew she had nothing to fear, she'd had a lucky escape all right and now she could return to her home near the edge of the forest but...the Fox would never return to his home at all. She is indeed a very lucky Rabbit.
The End
All articles on this website by
Jayeflo are copyright ©Jayeflo and should not be reproduced
without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their
respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.
| Comments | |
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Hi June,
Good imagination. Real nightmare stuff for the Rabbit, Eh. With a little but more knowledge about the rules of story, telling you could have yourself a good story here.
Firstly, when writing a short story anything between a thousand and two thousand words you need to make every word count. It is also important to show the reader rather than tell the reader what your character is going through.
For example: In place of you first paragraph may I suggest something like this.
The Night was dark. The trees of the forest swayed and creaked. The leaves talked together in whispers about danger. Danger for an unsuspecting victim.
Angry dark storm clouds buffeted and swirled across the night sky cloaking the full moon plunging the forest into total darkness. Suddenly, as if in response to the murky darkness, the eerie sighs of forest trees shaking their branches and leaves in reply to the ominous evil that snaked in and out of hidden places seeking its victim.
Also, it is important to do a bit of pruning and polishing after you have finished. Get rid of any repeated irrelevancies things that don't substantially contribute to the story. Don't forget your grammar. Also, it should be typed in double spacing. Only the first paragraph is aligned with the left hand side all other paragraphs should be indented by about five spaces.
I hope you find this useful,
Regards
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I have critiqued your work as follows -
[First impressions]
I found your work interesting and believable
I found your work to have an easy, rolling rhythm that moved the story forward
[Plot]
I thought your plot was good, exciting and distinguishable and had a central theme
I thought your plot moved forward in a structured way
[Characters]
Your characters jumped off the page at me and attracted my attention
[Commas]
There were punctuation problems to do with commas
as indeed, ...
food, nothing
[Overall comments]
I enjoyed it, June.
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Kudos
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From 5 votes
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Total posts: 19
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Roles:
Writer
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Middlesbrough North Yorkshire, UNITED KINGDOM
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