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I have critiqued your work as follows -
[First impressions]
I found your work interesting and believable
[Beginning]
I found the beginning compelling
Interesting start! I think you need to put some time reference on it; and perhaps say which the city is. My feel was that is 20s America; but that's a total guess!
[Plot]
I thought your plot was good, exciting and distinguishable and had a central theme
I thought your plot moved forward in a structured way
[Commas]
There were punctuation problems to do with commas
You have quite a few commas where there should be full stops.
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