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The Actor

By Jayeflo | Posted: 02 October 2008

Views: 321
Tobacco
Tobacco
A smart dapper man stood on a street corner watching people hurrying to work

in a major city.  He was there for a reason he had been there for some weeks, 

watching who went where, how many clients went in and out each day.  He 

studied the routines of the staff and security guards, the money delivery and 

collection times at a major bank.

     He held an umbrella in his left hand, in his right hand a superking filtered 

cigarette.  He never threw cigarettes stubs away he always carried a small tin 

with a hinged lid, he stubbed out his cigarettes in the tin in that way, there 

wouldn't be any trace of his DNA lying about, he was always very careful about 

details like this, any litter he had he would take home and dispose of it there.
All articles on this website by Jayeflo are copyright ©Jayeflo and should not be reproduced without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.
Comments 
Carl
02 October 2008
I have critiqued your work as follows -

[First impressions]
I found your work interesting and believable
[Beginning]
I found the beginning compelling
Interesting start! I think you need to put some time reference on it; and perhaps say which the city is. My feel was that is 20s America; but that's a total guess!
[Plot]
I thought your plot was good, exciting and distinguishable and had a central theme
I thought your plot moved forward in a structured way
[Commas]
There were punctuation problems to do with commas
You have quite a few commas where there should be full stops.

Writer
Jayeflo

Total posts:
19
Roles: Writer
Middlesbrough North Yorkshire, UNITED KINGDOM