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The Ghost I know

By Mima Wrigt | Posted: 17 October 2009

Views: 285
I was happy that day although I woke up angry with everyone, I know. And I had reason to be. Susan, my cheeky 8 years old, gave me a slap as a wake up call. She is 4 years younger than me. You will expect that she will fear and respect her older sister, if only for the fact that the word older is attached to my part of the sistership that binds us together.
I got up and being the older sister, I did nothing but reported her to Mum for the slap. 
My mum looked at Susan and asked, "Did you slapped Camila?"
"No Mummy," answered Susan with that fake angelic look she has imported god knows where. "I tapped her and told her we will be late for school".
"Maybe you tapped her too  hard. Say sorry, please." Mommy said smilling at the minx.
"Sorry I tapped you too hard". Susan told me sticking her tongue out at me at the back of Mum. "Next time I will make sure I tap you just right, sis."
"It's rude to stick out your tongue at people, Susan" I replied angrily.
"Camila, don't start a fight this morning. Go and get dress both of us now." Mom scolded turning back to stuffing filles into her folder.
I was angry as I watch my tormentor smiled and skipped past me with the words "got you, got you". 
"Susan, now apologise to Camila for being rude and lying about it" said Daddy's voice behind me.
"But Dad..." started Susan
"I saw you sticked out your tongue, girl. Don't argue"
"Dad..." Susan tried to look chastised to avoid further words  but Daddy was no man's or even child's fool.
" For this you are to do Camila's dinner chores today" Daddy stated. I know why I love him now. 
Dad is an angel. You need one with you if you live with a devil for a sister like I do. 
Susan went upstairs with a face like a thunder cloud. I knew better than to laugh. I am also four years older. I am too mature at 12 years to laugh, when a silly 8years old get the punishment she deserved for being rude. Being rude to someone older than her by as much years as I am older than Susan.
I walked coolly upstairs. I heard Daddy talking to Mum about the need to watch out for childish mischief. 
Upstairs in our room, Susan was sitting on her bed with her hands crossed. she glared at me as I entered the room. I ignored her and went to the bathroom.
Fortunately I was going to school with Dad today, I told myself. Susan will go with Mum.  This was our Monday routine as we attend different schools.
My parents both work although Mum goes to the her office twice a week as she does flexible working. She says it is really full-time hours. She spent most of the hours at home trying to mother us and be an offender manager at the same time. With Susan antics, I think she offender manages full-time, full stop.
Dad was cool. You know. He rarely scolded me and had that far away look most time that let you be without crowding your space. But sometimes he could be smart like that morning. I loved Dad. Well I loved Mum too.
Well Susan...
(To be continued)
All articles on this website by Mima Wrigt are copyright ©Mima Wrigt and should not be reproduced without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.
Comments 
bobchoi
18 October 2009
I enjoyed reading this.  There are typos (filles, coolly) and structures that can use so polishing (Being rude to someone older than her by as much years as I am older than Susan. ??), but what keeps me interested is the rivalry between the two girls and their love toward their parents.  I feel a warm coziness... I hope the "ghost" of this story is benign and not the scary type!
Anonymous
21 October 2009
I have critiqued your work as follows -

[First impressions]
I found your work interesting and believable
I found your work to have an easy, rolling rhythm that moved the story forward
This is is rather endearing story that shows sibiling rivilary in a very real form. I won't comment on some of the typos that are prominent in the text as someone has previously pointed these out, but it is good practice to get these areas perfect if you want to get a reader involved in a story without to much comfusion about what you wanted to write, rather than what is written. It also is a good idea to get these areas right if you are wanting to send your work off to publishers, as they are more than likely not going read beyond the first few paragraphs if your text is littered with spelling mistakes.
[Beginning]
I found the beginning compelling
I felt it is a story with a lot of promise. However the opening statement;  "I was happy that day. I woke up angry with everyone, I know" confused me from the start. If the character is "Happy", then why were they "angry with everyone"? I think it has to be one or the other. Or explain why the character is happy and angry at the same time.
[Overall comments]
Overall it is a good story. Perhaps you could find some more interesting words to use as there was a lot of repetition. ie "Tapped too hard", "make sure I tap you", Mabye I tapped her too hard" and "walked coolly" "Dad was cool"
Mima Wrigt
21 October 2009
Thanks guys, your comments are helpful and very appreciated. Will work on repeating words and my typos too. I need to make the spell checker a friend!
Mima Wrigt
21 October 2009
Here I go again...I actually meant I will work on not repeating words to give my story more depth...

Writer
Mima Wrigt

Total posts:
22
Roles: Writer
London, UNITED KINGDOM
A female closet poet and writer. Had contributed to a published anthology of poems in remembrance of Ken Saro Wiwa, a slain African activist.