A drop of sweet Irish rain
Copyright:
Scott Ballantyne
September 15, 2009
Scott Ballantyne
347, JiYuan Lu,
Jimei
Xiamen
Fujian
PR China
361021
email:
scott.ballantyne@gmail.com
Tel: +86 13606022504
Characters:
Hanson. Male - well-spoken Englishman - late 40's.
Clerk. A bank clerk male - early 20's, Southern
Irish accent.
Barman. Male - late 50's - Southern Irish accent.
Receptionist. Male - mid 30's - smart - Southern Irish
accent.
Hotel Manager Male - 40's - Irish accent
Security Guard Male - late 50's - Irish accent
Set: small village in Southern Island. Bank, pub, hotel
reception, hotel room
INT HOTEL RECEPTION MORNING
Hotel Receptionist is behind reception desk, staring out of
the lobby door.
OUTSIDE SHOT THROUGH LOBBY DOORS OF VERY HEAVY RAIN
Hanson enters from interior
RECEPTIONIST
Top of the morning to you, sir.
HANSON
Thanks but it's not much of a
morning, is it?
RECEPTIONIST
Sure, 'tis just a drop of sweet
Irish rain, so it is.
HANSON
It's not what I'd call a drop, and
it doesn't look so sweet to me. You
know, I come to Ireland every year
on the same week - been doing it
for 15 years - and every time,
without fail, it rains for more
than half the time I am here.
RECEPTIONIST
Maybe, sir, you should change the
week.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 2.
HANSON
So is there a week when it doesn't
rain here?
RECEPTIONIST
Not really, sir, but the rain might
come on different days.
HANSON
You mean, not on the days when I
want to play golf, which seems to
be the case this week. Every time I
arrange a game, the rain comes.
RECEPTIONIST
Ah, sure, I'm sorry to hear that,
sir. They say it'll clear up later.
Maybe you can get a game this
afternoon.
HANSON
I hope so. Anyway, I need to cash
some traveller's cheques, so can
you cash these for me?
Hanson takes travellers' cheques from wallet and puts on the
desk.
RECEPTIONIST
Ah, sorry sir, we don't do that any
more. You'll be needing to go to
the bank for that, sir.
HANSON
But it's pouring down, and at the
other end of town.
RECEPTIONIST
Well, sir, I can call Mahone's taxi
and he can take yer to the bank.
HANSON
Ah, yes, good idea, thank you.
RECEPTIONIST
And I know he can do it in the next
two hours or so.
HANSON
Two hours?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 3.
RECEPTIONIST
Yes, sir, he's gone to Dublin
airport with the other guest we had
staying here.
HANSON
So get me another taxi then.
RECEPTIONIST
Well, it's like this, sir, the town
being so small and all, we have the
need for only one taxi. But if yer
fancy the stroll, I can give yer an
umbrella, sir
HANSON
Yes, well, nothing else to do on a
rainy day, is there? Thanks, I'll
take the umbrella.
FADE
INT INTERIOR OF A BANK MORNING
Bank is empty of customers. There is only one bank teller.
He is doing nothing, just staring at the ceiling
Enter Hanson, wet and closing a very battered, old, leaking
umbrella.
CLERK
(Startled)
Oh. Top of the morning to you,
sir.
HANSON.
Good morning.
Takes out travellers' cheques and places them in front of
clerk.
CLERK
And what can I be doing for you?
HANSON
I'd like to change these
travellers' cheques.
CLERK
Sure, sir, that'll be no problem.
You'll be havin' some
identification, of course.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 4.
HANSON
Identification? What do you mean?
CLERK
Oh, your passport or your drivin'
licence, or some such.
HANSON
I haven't got any with me. Why do
you need it?
CLERK
Sure, t'is for the changing of your
travellers' cheques. T'is the rule,
you know.
HANSON
Since when?
CLERK
Since I've been here. It's always
been the way.
HANSON
How long have you been here?
CLERK
Three weeks, it is, sir.
HANSON
Well, I've been coming to this town
and to this very bank for the past
15 years. Every year I come here on
the same week and every year I come
in here to cash my travellers'
cheques and I've never been asked
for i.d. before.
CLERK
Sure, I don't know about that, sir,
I just know that I have to have
some identification before I can
change them.
HANSON
Look here. Get me the manager, he
knows me. He'll vouch for who I am.
CLERK
I can't, sir, he's at lunch and I'm
in charge until he returns.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 5.
HANSON
Lunch? It's only eleven-thirty.
What time does he return?
CLERK
Two o'clock, sir.
HANSON
Two o'clock! Two and a half hours
for lunch. What does he do?
CLERK
He likes to make his own lunch,
sir. You know, have it fresh.
HANSON
What does he make, a seven course
meal?
CLERK
Sandwiches.
HANSON
Sandwiches? How the...
CLERK
He likes to have them fresh. He
will only eat bread from O'Grady's
and that's in Kilorglin. Then he
likes to get the butter from
Flanagan's, that's in Ballycork,
and the meat he gets from
Killarney. Sure, he does it every
day.
HANSON
I don't believe it. And do you get
two and a half hours for lunch?
CLERK
Sure.
HANSON
And what time do you have lunch?
CLERK
Two-thirty, sir.
HANSON
But what time does the bank close?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 6.
CLERK
Three o'clock, sir,
HANSON
I won't ask. Look, I'll come back
at two o'clock when the manager is
back.
CLERK
Then you might want to wait at
Flannagan's, sir. 'Tis just over
the road. Have a nice pint of beer,
sir.
Hanson leaves. Opens battered umbrella and rushes out into
the rain.
EXT STREET, DESERTED OF PEOPLE, HEAVY RAIN. LATE MORNING
Hanson rushes across the street, road is full of puddles,
umbrella is useless. He sees a pub and rushes towards the
door, closing the umbrella.
INT A SMALL PUB. LATE MORNING
Barman sweeping floor. Pub is dark, no lights on.
Hanson enters
HANSON
Good morning, are you open?
BARMAN
No, sir, we're not yet.
HANSON
What time do you open?
BARMAN
Twelve o'clock, sir.
HANSON
Right, well, that's only twenty
minutes, I'll come back then.
BARMAN
No need for that, sir. Why don't
you come in and have a drink while
you're waiting? You'll not want to
be out there on a day like this,
now will yer?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 7.
Hanson laughs and goes to the bar stool. The barman goes
behind the bar
BARMAN
(continuing)
What'll you be havin', sir?
HANSON
A Guinness, I think.
BARMAN
Will that be a pint, sir?
HANSON
Yes, thank you.
BARMAN
We don't sell Guinness, sir. Just
Murphy's.
HANSON
Fine. I'll have a pint of Murphy's.
BARMAN
Not on a Thursday you won't, sir.
We never have Murphy's on a
Thursday. You see, we get our
delivery on a Friday, that's when
Murphy's comes, so we've never any
left on a Thursday, sir.
HANSON
Okay. What other beer do you have?
BARMAN
We have Riley's sir.
HANSON
What's it like?
BARMAN
I don't know, sir, I only drink
Guinness.
HANSON
But what do the locals think of it?
BARMAN
I don't know, sir, nobody's ever
drank it. You see, we're waiting
for someone to try it first.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 8.
HANSON
Well, how long have you had it
here?
BARMAN
Three months, sir. Perhaps you'd
like a nice whiskey, instead?
HANSON
Okay. Which is your best whiskey?
BARMAN
Paddy's sir. That's definitely the
best.
HANSON
Fine, I'll have a Paddy's.
BARMAN
Would that be with ice or water,
sir?
HANSON
Nothing, thank you. Just straight.
BARMAN
We've not got any Paddy's, sir.
HANSON
What have you got?
BARMAN
Tralee, sir.
HANSON
Fine, I'll try that.
Barman pours a whiskey and gives it to Hanson who pays him.
Hanson sips whiskey and pulls a face.
HANSON
This whiskey's been watered down.
BARMAN
Of course it has, sir.
HANSON
What?
BARMAN
Well, it's like this, sir.
Flanagan, who owns the pub, his
brother, Patrick, is a travelling
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 9.
BARMAN (cont'd)
salesman for Paddy's. So, Flanagan
waters down the other whiskeys so
no-one will drink it. We all drink
Paddy's in here, sir.
HANSON
But you haven't got any Paddy's.
BARMAN
No, you're right enough there, sir.
HANSON
I think I'll forget the drink.
Hanson leaves and back into the rain.
FADE
INT HOTEL RECEPTION NOON
Receptionist behind the reception area.
Hanson enters very wet, returning the umbrella to the
receptionist
RECEPTIONIST
And did yer get yer travellers'
cheques changed then, sir.
HANSON
No, I need my passport. I left it
in your safe. I need it for
identification to cash my
travellers' cheques. You know, in
15 years that's the first time the
bank have insisted on i.d.
RECEPTIONIST
That'll be young Michael, will it,
sir?
HANSON
Who?
RECEPTIONIST
At the bank, sir. That'll be
Flattery's boy, will it?
HANSON
I don't know.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 10.
RECEPTIONIST
Was he working at the bank?
HANSON
Er...er...yes. Somebody was.
RECEPTIONIST
That'll be him, then.
HANSON
Look, can I have my passport,
please?
RECEPTIONIST
What's the name, sir?
HANSON
Hanson.
Receptonist goes to safe and produces passport. Goes to give
it to Hanson but hesitates
RECEPTIONIST
How do I know you are who you say
you are? You can't be too careful
nowadays, sir. English passports,
they can be valuable on the black
market.
HANSON
I told you who I am. If I wasn't me
how would I know that it was in the
safe?
RECEPTIONIST
You might have seen the real Mr.
Hanson hand it in.
HANSON
Well, I didn't. It's my passport, I
assure you, I am the real Mr.
Hanson
RECEPTIONIST
But how do I know that, sir. Do you
have any identification on you?
HANSON
(angrily)
If I did I wouldn't need the bloody
passport for i.d., would I?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 11.
RECEPTIONIST
Sure, there's no need to go
upsetting yourself, sir.
HANSON
Look. All you have to do is look at
the picture in the passport and you
will see that it's me.
Receptionist looks in the passport
RECEPTIONIST
Is that yourself, sir?
HANSON
Of course.
RECEPTIONIST
You look younger.
HANSON
I was.
RECEPTIONIST
When?
HANSON
When the damned picture was taken.
Can I have the passport?
RECEPTIONIST
Jesus, when was this taken?
HANSON
Years ago.
RECEPTIONIST
Sure, you were a odd lookin' man
then, sir.
HANSON
Thank you.
RECEPTIONIST
So what happened to all your hair?
HANSON
Can I just have the passport?
RECEPTIONIST
If you're sure it's yourself.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 12.
HANSON
Bloody Hell. Who else do you think
it could be?
RECEPTIONIST
Well, it's not Ian Paisley.
HANSON
No. Quite. Now, can I please have
the passport?
RECEPTIONIST
What happened to your hair?
HANSON
Can I PLEASE have the passport?
RECEPTIONIST
Sure, I think maybe it is yourself.
HANSON
I promise you, it is.
RECEPTIONIST
Okay sir, but you'll not need it if
it is only for Michael.
HANSON
What?
RECEPTIONIST
Sure, all I have to do is telephone
him and tell him it's yourself.
HANSON
But how the Hell do you know I'm
me?
RECEPTIONIST
Nobody with this photograph would
claim it was his if it was not!
HANSON
Thank you.
Receptionist gives him passport and Hanson leaves sees how
heavy the rain is and returns to his room through the lobby
HANSON
(continuing - to Receptionist)
I think I'll go later when the rain
eases.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (5) 13.
RECEPTIONIST
For sure, you're right sir.
FADE
INT - HOTEL ROOM - NOON
Hanson is sitting at his notebook computer.
There is a knock at the door. Hanson opens door and there
are 2 men at the door. One in hotel security uniform and one
in hotel manager's uniform.
HOTEL MANAGER
Good day to sir. I'm the Duty
Manager and this is Mr. Casey, the
Security Guard. Have you been
smoking in your room, sir?
HANSON
No. I don't smoke. Why?
HOTEL MANAGER
Then, is there a fire in your room?
HANSON
Fire? Fire? No. There's no fire
here.
SECURITY GUARD
Are yer sure about that, sir?
HANSON
Of course, I'm sure. I think I'd
notice if there was a fire in my
room.
HOTEL MANAGER
Well, sir, it's like this. The
hotel's Security Guard here, sees a
light on his television monitor,
which states that your smoke
detector detects a fire in your
room and the alarm has gone off.
SECURITY GUARD
He's right, he is, sir.
HANSON
But there is no smoke and no fire
in my room, I assure you.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 14.
HOTEL MANAGER
But the alarm has gone off, sir.
HANSON
Well, I didn't hear any alarm.
SECURITY GUARD
Ah, well, you wouldn't sir. You
see, the alarm only goes off in my
security room.
HANSON
If there is a fire in my room,
don't you think I should be the
first person to know that?
SECURITY GUARD
What do you mean, sir?
HANSON
As I said, the alarm should go off
in my room first, don't you think?
HOTEL MANAGER
Well, that's how it might seem to
you, sir, but ...
SECURITY GUARD
The thing is, sir, that we don't
want people panicking. That's the
thing.
HANSON
I see, so if there's a fire in my
room, the alarm will not go off?
HOTEL MANAGER
No, sir, that's not true. The alarm
goes off in the Security room, like
we just told you.
HANSON
I see. So if there IS a fire in my
room, I have to wait for the
Security Guard to come and tell me?
Is that the case?
SECURITY GUARD
Well, as we said, sir, we'd not
want people panicking, now would
we?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 15.
HOTEL MANAGER
So, do you mind if we come and
check your room to see the fire,
sir?
HANSON
But I've told you, there is no
fire?
SECURITY GUARD
Ah, that's what you think, sir, but
the smoke detector says otherwise.
HOTEL MANAGER
And you can't argue with
technology, can you sir? So, do you
mind if we come and check for you?
HANSON
(sighs)
Ok, if you insist.
All three go back into the room and search the room, looking
in the bathroom, wardrobes and even under the bed.
SECURITY GUARD
You know, he's right. There's for
sure not a fire in here.
HANSON
Perhaps the smoke detector is
faulty.
They all look up at the smoke detector.
SECURITY GUARD
(with an air of authority)
No, the smoke detector's fine.
HANSON
But you can't tell just by looking
at it.
HOTEL MANAGER
HE can, sir, that's why he's the
Security Guard.
Security Guard nods and studies the detector.
SECURITY GUARD
Sure, it's ok. Are yer certain
you've not been smoking, sir.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4) 16.
HANSON
Of course not, I told you that I
don't smoke. I haven't smoked for
years.
HOTEL MANAGER
But you used to smoke, sir?
HANSON
Yes, but I gave up years ago.
HOTEL MANAGER
How many years ago, sir, did you
give up?
HANSON
I don't know, five, maybe six.
HOTEL MANAGER
Ah, well, that's not so long ago,
you know.
HANSON
What do you mean?
HOTEL MANAGER
Well, maybe you decided to start
again.
HANSON
After five or six years?
SECURITY GUARD
Sure it is. We had a fella here,
O'Mally was his name. (Turns to
Hotel Manager) You'll remember the
fella, Shaun, he used to work in
the cellar.
HOTEL MANAGER
His name was Colin, not Shaun.
SECURITY GUARD
No, I meant Colin.
HOTEL MANAGER
But you said, "Shaun".
SECURITY GUARD
(laughs)
No, it's yerself that's called
Shaun. I was using your name.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (5) 17.
HOTEL MANAGER
Why you using my name for his name?
And if you're addressing me in
front of guests then you call me
"Sir" or Mr. Hammond.
SECURITY GUARD
Sorry, Shaun, you're right. I'll
remember in future, Shaun, I will.
Anyways, as I was saying, this
fella, Colin, who worked in the
cellar of this very hotel. He
packed in the smoking for twelve
years and then, one day, I caught
him smoking. In the toilet, of all
places.
HANSON
But what's that got to do with me?
HOTEL MANAGER
I think what Patrick here is trying
to ...
SECURITY GUARD
Shaun, don't yer think yer should
call me Mr. Casey in front of the
guests.
HOTEL MANAGER
Aye, sure you're right, Patrick.
(turns to Hanson) As I was saying,
Mr. Casey, here, our Security Guard
was trying to say that you've only
stopped smoking for six years while
Colin, down in the cellar, he
stopped for twelve years, which,
you'll notice, is twice as long as
you. And the point is, he started
again.
HANSON
Let me assure you, that I have not
started again and if I do start
again, I promise I'll wait until
it's twelve years and I can find a
suitable toilet to do so in.
HOTEL MANAGER
Sure sir, there's no need to be
sarcastic, we're only doing our
jobs.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (6) 18.
SECURITY GUARD
Sure, he's right, you know.
HANSON
Look, I have to get to the bank in
a moment. Can we agree that there
is no fire in my room?
SECURITY GUARD
Aye, I think we can agree to that.
HANSON
In which case, it must be that the
smoke detector is faulty as I have
not, I stress, NOT been smoking. So
perhaps we can all get on now and I
can go to the bank.
SECURITY GUARD
I'm not so sure about that, sir.
What if the smoke detector goes off
while you are at the bank.
HANSON
Well, I wouldn't hear it anyway,
would I?
HOTEL MANAGER
I'm thinking, it'll be better for
all concerned if we move you to a
non-smoking room.
FADE
INT INTERIOR OF A BANK EARLY AFTERNOON
The Clerk looking at ceiling
Hanson enters
CLERK
(startled)
He's not back yet, sir.
HANSON
It doesn't matter, it really
doesn't matter.
Hanson takes out travellers' cheques.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 19.
CLERK
How much will you be wantin'?
HANSON
Fifty pounds.
Clerk takes travellers' cheques and counts them.
CLERK
Fifty punts is it, sir? And you'll
be wanting that in Euros?
HANSON
Yes, Thank you. Here.
Hanson hands him his passport.
CLERK
And what'll that be sir?
HANSON
You'll want my i.d. It's my
passport,
CLERK
No sir, that's not be necessary.
HANSON
Why not?
CLERK
Sure sir, I recognize you from this
morning.
End