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Very interesting start! There are a few problems regarding tense though.
You have to choose a tense and stick rigorously with it. "as she bent down" implies the past but the "carpark is deserted" is the present.
I feel it's usually much easier to stick to the past tense unless you're writing poetic prose. Writing in the present tense can make your work sound somewhat robotic unless you are extremely careful. It's almost impossible to do for very long works.
A small amount of a rewriting and you've got an interesting piece of work on your hands!
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I have critiqued your work as follows -
[First impressions]
I found your work interesting and believable
I found your work to have an easy, rolling rhythm that moved the story forward
The story is very visual. I could see her hair whipping about in the wind and the letter between the window wipers flapping about.
I think that you have the makings of a good story. I wish you well. Jayeflo
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Hi,
An interesting piece of work. I have a few observations. (faught) dont you mean fought? (Rish-hour) Rush hour? (Fibrillous tapping) Are you sure?
Finally, carpark is two separate words. Pruning and polishing would have found these problems.
regards
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Many thanks everyone for all your comments and suggestions. I have now edited the piece and hope it has been improved! Unfortunately, I was in somewhat of a hurry as I transferred my story from paper to computer!
The only suggested change I have not incorporated it the use of the word 'fibrillous', as this is a term used in medicine to describe a a frantic heart beat. I have therefore employed it to suggest a frantic rhythm to the tapping of the envelope on the windscreen.
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It's much improved! Most of your readers will know what fibrillous means. That isn't the problem. It is still out of place, unless you're using it within dialogue in a medical context. If I were to use jargon from my own profession (which is all fibrillous is) it would similarly grate against the reader and sound pompous. If you're writing fiction, it's the story that's important to the reader. The writer, and even more so the profession of the writer, is irrelevant. I think (MHO) that you need to draw on what life experience you have but at the same time mentally distance yourself from what you're writing. Be your character or narrator or even your scene while you write, not yourself.
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I love it. like the images. would you continue with a story in this much detail or do you find it easier to write snippets?
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Is this all, or are you going to add to this??
I really like it
It's fantastic
I can picture it too
A few spelling mistakes and you've confused the tenses but otherwise it's very good
I hope you're going to add more
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