Isolation by jw4538

And then the sun appeared, like an angel peering around the corner of the Earth's horizon, and it began to light up the sky.  Marie wondered how many people really knew the beauty of a sunrise.  Beautiful sunsets are talked about all the time, they are ten-a-penny.  But to see a sunrise is truly inspiring.  Karl wasn't looking at the slowly appearing ball of molten gold, he was mesmerised by Marie.  To see the cosmic event framed in her hazel eyes was just about heaven for him.  

"Isn't it amazing Karl" said Marie,

"I know"

"This is the best holiday ever!  I mean the scenery, the weather, and now the BBQ on the beach - I just love it!"

"And you know what?  It's going to get even better tomorrow.  I have something special planned!" exclaimed Karl.

"I knew you were planning something, Honey!  I just knew it!  Can you give me a clue?" begged Marie, while Karl cut into the sausages to see if they were cooked through.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly do that Sugar.  I'm looking forward to seeing the look on your face" said Karl.

As Marie skipped down to the waterfront on the hotel's private beach as happy as a clown in a joke shop, Karl caught his reflection in the steel blade of the knife and he gave himself a wink.  "Tomorrow comes your moment to shine" he said, and he started to sharpen it.

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Comments

Carl

09 October 2008

You created a nice ambience for the first half; but the second half was totally different. I think you should have stuck with the mood of the first half and seen where it took you, rather than making it turn sinister!

rowland

09 October 2008

Hi again,
 Interesting piece.  
In my view it is not good grammar to start a sentence with "but" and" or "yet". I know before you shout me down, that the rules are changing all the time. However, been of the old school that is my opinion. When writing dialogue a comma should precede a name, rank, nickname etc. Many writers tend to overdo the exclamation mark, but in writing, they are best kept for inclusion after an expletive or a short expression of total amazement. Overuse can come across as instructing your reader where to be surprised or laugh. In the writing world, they are called screamers.
Keep at it. 
Regards

jw4538

09 October 2008

Many thanks for your comments again.

I actually did feel slightly uncomfortable starting a sentence with 'And' because I was always told never to do it!  However, I wanted to see what everyone else thought, because sometimes it feels OK to do it.

I really appreciate the advise about commas in dialogue, because I didn't have a clue what the rules were.  I will definately be using your advise in the future.

I'll have a think about changing the plot of the story, taking it along a different path.