Butterflies by Natnus

She wished the butterflies would dance. She wished they would spin their wings and flutter their arrogant colours. She wasn't selfish, that she wished the rich creatures would dance for her purpose. Sometimes their unhesitant songs frustrated her. 
On her quiet walks through the heath the blindness the dark clouds provided, comforted her, but when she saw the butterflies and their passionate flights, she would scream and rage and cast out at the vibrant colours in her face. It was on these nights that the vines creeping up the walls on the home had refused to be beaten. She didn't mean to take it out on the butterflies though. Some nights they were her friends. And it was then that she wished they would dance for her. Show her the glory of beauty. They never bent to her will but she loved them all the more for it; their defiance and lack of compassion.

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Comments

Carl

09 October 2008

Very interesting. I have a few suggestions how I feel you could improve it. This is how I would write it, but it's up to you!

She wished the butterflies would dance for her. She wished they would flutter their wings; flutter their arrogant colours for her. She wished they would dance for her. They frustrated her.

On those nights, those nights when the vines creeping up the walls refused to be beaten; on her quiet walks across the heath when the blindness the dark clouds provided comforted her; when she saw the butterflies and their passionate flights, she would scream and rage against their vibrant colours.

Other nights they were her friends. Those nights when they did dance for her, when they showed her the full glory of their beauty. On those nights she loved them and their defiance and lack of compassion.

Natnus

11 October 2008

Thanks for the suggestion. Your way of writing it works too but it's not my style. Although it's definitely good and a good way of describing what I was writing, I feel it's important for a writer to stick to their own style. Thanks for the tip though!