RankMost active authors
1
Stephen (112)
2
louis kasatkin (144)
3
JD Higginson (478)
4
HuntersMoon12 (14)
5
Osmiara (15)
6
Bogman (21)
7
notebook (183)
8
OnlyShallow (9)
9
The Unforgiving Minute (52)
10
Liamc85 (57)
11
Preethi (5)
12
RedeemedAshes (35)
13
Eddie Larkin (108)
14
computer101 (35)
15
angeliki largatzis (40)
16
likeaninja (5)
17
evakaye (284)
18
brian dunn (224)
19
blackrose (56)
20
Aldice (38)
21
Arcturus (9)
22
Gina McKnight (3)
23
Jan Phillips (49)
24
Rozanne van Zyl (3)
25
sphrbn (5)

Something I was Writing

By DeUndrae | Posted: 21 October 2008

Views: 310
Violence
Violence
When the guard positioned himself, gun in hand (for he heard the once faint gallop grew louder and louder), he told the passengers to get behind him, told them to not attack the person, for the passengers had no firearms, no sticks, and no knives, but had documents, documents that were hallowed throughout the land. One of the passengers, a man with a stout visage, an appearance of that of a bear, wearing a black suit and an aristocratic hat, turned his head to the guard, who kept his same position; except now his body trembled in fear, and said, " Sir, do you not think it will be better for us, meaning all of us, to attack this person who we don't know, so that if the attacker were to out gun you, we will outnumber him?"
	The guard, who let the gut-wrenching fear weaken his mind, turned his head towards the stout man, while attempting to keep his position, and replied, "No it would not do any good to try to attack the incoming person at once, for we have to keep the documents intact, because if one document becomes tattered, then the remaining will become useless, even if we defeat the person and picked up the remnants of the damaged pieces, for the documents are magic, and when in one piece they secrete energy, energy that can destroy the world."
	As the volume of the hoofsteps increased gradually, the group caught sight of a man mounted on the horse, though the distance blurred the image to the group's eyes. Seeing that the person could be anyone, the passengers, who trembled with intimidation, scurried towards the trees, knowing that the quantity of the trees and their height would conceal the passenger from danger. The guard switched the safety off his gun immediately, knowing that he won't have an opportunity to turn it off once he confronts the person. He rooted his feet to the ground but still quivered in fear, thinking that his chances of suriving the confrontation between him and the mysterious person could go in one of three ways: either he could have died, the guard would attack the person and kill him, or (this is what he hoped) the person would be friendly and the two would not fight. Either way, the guard thought, I have to prepare for any circumstances that come my way.
	First, the passengers heard the skidding of the horse, then saw the man mounted on the horse. The man, who appeared to be taller than the guard, wore a navy blue suit, a suit that blended into the moonless night. A dark cloaked wrapped around his collar, and a mask that resembled a wolf's muzzle covered the manin's lower half of his face.
	The man unmounted from his horse, not noticing the guard, who crept closer to him with his gun. the guard in a trembled voice said, "Y-y-you there! Who said you can come here? Answer me, or you will pay with your life."
	The man, who had a build of that of an ox, gave a sinister laugh and said not a word, but instead, he reached under his suit and pulled out a knife-- a Victorian knife-- and walked towards the guard, his shoes tapping onto the gravel road.
	"Stay back!" said the guard, and having said that, he pulled the trigger. a loud pop came about. The bullet hit the man in the chest, and he fell down with a clomp. A puddle of blood formed from the man's chest.
	"Whew, I thought that he would actually kill me," the guard cried, fanning the smoke away from the nozzle of his gun.
All articles on this website by DeUndrae are copyright ©DeUndrae and should not be reproduced without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.
Comments 
rowland
22 October 2008
Hi,
 When you say this is something you were writing do you mean it is a section of a book/novel, etc?  I found it quite difficult to read at first to be truthful mainly through the lack of proper punctuation.  Imagine playing a game of football without rules, it would be chaotic, writing is no different.  The actual piece is not bad and shows a good imagination and a flair for storytelling. One of the main problems is that you need to be more descriptive with your writing and pay a little more attention to structuring.  When I say descriptive. Take an extract from your writing. (The man, who had a build of that of an ox, gave a sinister laugh.) This is telling what you need to do is show. E.g. "The man, who had a build of a Japanese ox bullnecked and intimidating with powerful arms, gave a sinister laugh." You have also got the VP (view points) slightly mixed up which creates a lot of problems for the reader. The dialogue is also unreal and needs some attention. To get a better perspective on dialogue read it out aloud to see if it is real or not. One of the biggest problems for novice writers is to set dialogue down in large chunks of unnatural speech, taken straight from the imagination. This does not work. Don't be disheartened by my comments. You clearly have a talent so don't do yourself down. Address the problems I have highlighted and re-submit your work when it is finished you will be surprised how it will change. If I can be of any further help you know where I am.

Regards Rowland

Writer
DeUndrae

Total posts:
141
Roles: Writer
UNITED STATES
I'm Deundrae. I've been writing for a period of time now when it comes to short stories--though I haven't the time to write with college coming--but I still have lots to learn before being published (I ... (Read more)