The Writers' Circle

Hi Grampa Pogi, Thought That I would comment on your work, as you are always kind enough to comment on mine.
As regards typos etc, it is near perfect less a missing comma after 6 chimes, although I would suggest that you change 
               "grabbed on the bedrail" to "grabbed the bedrail"
              "His body says no" to "His body said no"
               "Mind says no" to "Mind said no"
               "Spun" to "Spin"
               "Sonny Boy teased with a wink" to Sonny Boy winked"
              
The thing that did not sit right with me, was the voice of the head nurse. As we know that she is a local Indian, I think that her speech would be different. At the moment she speaks like an American. Every Indian I have ever met that speaks English as a second language has tended to speak what I would term correct or slightly old fashioned English. If you agree, then it means that there have to be quite a lot of changes such as: Cab to taxi
                    I made the arrangement to I have made the arraingement
                               He and I are very close to we are very close
                               He's full of crap to He talks rubbish
                               Dumb shit to idiot
                               Yes Siree to Yes indeed
                              Gonna to going to
You would also have to omit the words Freaking and heck no as they are not words that she would be likely to use. The only other alternative is to make the nurse an American.

Sorry to tear your work apart like that. The story is good and the descriptions are also good. You have left the reader to fill in the descriptions and pushed ahead with the story which is always a good thing to see.
Hope that some of this may be of use.

Indians can speak that way (especially the highly educated) only that they pronounce R so much.

Hi Stargazer,

Firstly, thank you so much for your critique, highly appreciated.  I have a few minutes to spare before I go to church.  I'll pray that you'd understand POV. (Just kidding :-)

I will respond after the chevrons.

 [Viewpoint]
There was more than one person's view in a given chapter
I noticed something we call "head hopping" in the US. I'm going to pull from your chapter to

>>> never heard this term before, thanks I always call it POV-switching.

show you what I'm refering to. POV is my hardest thing to get straight. I've taken two online classes
trying to understand how to know and see when I'm in a pov and then switch unexpectedly.

>>> I will help you understand POV in the simplest manner without going to classes :-)

Joe nodded as if Ron would listen to him. The doctor strolled in casually; he was just around the corner.
(Your in the doctor's head because only he knew he was around th ecorner.)

>>> Try: "You're" 
Wrong.  The nurse appeared right?, told Joe not to let him leave.  Had I explained to the reader that the nurse turned around and found the doctor in the hallway just around the corner, would it be expedient? Maybe, but I don't think so.  I was not in the doctor's head because it was the writer, that's me, simply saying that it didn't take long for the nurse to find him because "he was just around the corner". This is third person POV.
If this was a children's book, I'd probably say:
The nurse turned around. She looked for the doctor. She found the doctor around the corner. She told the doctor. The doctor turned around and visited the patient. 

	"Hello Mr. Bello, I'm Doctor Kumar Balani, I would suggest you take a load off your feet for at
least another day. Okay? " He said softly as if the next service would be the Holy Communion; a toothy
grin and a bobbling head finished it off.
	Ron could taste the effects of a major painkiller; he was in no shape to go partying yet anywhere on
the islands. (Your in Ron's POV now.)

>>> Sometimes, it's acceptable on occasion that the writer will get into a character's POV like in Ron's case just to give the sense of distress, joy, or whatever. 

As for the reference to Holy Communion, instead of saying 'he sounded like a priest', I thought I'd put a bit of humor into it. Otherwise, "He sounded like a priest" to me is boring.

Second example.
 'Can we do it now?' His mind screamed in the gutter; wanted to ask the inevitable but bit his lower lip
instead. (Your in Ron's head.)

>>> Again, it's "you're" . . . when I first saw the word "your" in a wrong context above, I let it go as it could be a typo, but I'm sure it would help you to know that if you contract "you are" it should be "you're".

"(Your in Ron's head.)" . . . this is not Ron but Joe.

Instead of saying "he must've thought to screw her right there", I used a POV switch from me to Joe's.  It's just my style and I think it's effective. I picked up the style from Grisham :-) . . . he uses it a lot.

	She shifted her gaze, grinned and continued. "I made the arrangement for the boardroom, it's done,
and I could call for accommodation as well. Our family runs a fine hotel near the beach - if you like,
I'd do it now. 
	She paused to let Joe digest a few words. He appeared like a deer staring at an oncoming headlight. (Now
you've hopped in the nurses's head.)

>>> wrong again, this is still me talking.  Had I said, the nurse 'thought' he appeared like a deer, then you would be correct, but I didn't.  But again, I am (as the writer) explaining that he was mesmerized perhaps by her talking, by her looks, by her luscious squeezeboxes, who knows, but I just left it to the reader's imagination. I could have said so in a different manner ("He was so lust-struck that he simply stared at her without saying a word".  This too would be third person POV), but if you have a wrong perception of POV, you would still get it wrong. First, you have to identify if it was the writer "talking" and giving impressions. Occasionally, the writer would be in another person's head for a whole paragraph or a whole chapter (it is allowed and if someone tells you it is not, well, you could tell him to 'go do something to himself' :-). He is behind the camera telling the reader what he sees.  This is third person point of view (and some writers even say "limited", frankly, I don't know the difference). 

 [Overall comments]
I'm going to post under writing the download I have from the last class I took. It's excellent. I refer to it frequently.

Don't get me wrong, I really appreciated your effort.  And again, thank you so much for spending the time to feedback. 

(This reply is first person point of view :-).

Now, I have to go to church.  (She's now saying, "You're still on the computer?")

Later . . .

Grampa Pogi

Thanks for your comment M n m n I,

Imagine what would happen if I titled it Winnie The Poonani :-)

The fishy part might be so irreverent that it could rival my comment about the movie renters who instead of Al Pacino's "Scent of a Woman", they ended up with John Cleese's "A Fish called Wanda".

Grampa

You've injected the right humour, Grampa.  And yes, you're right to just leave it to the reader's imagination.  Good work!