The Writers' Circle

Hey Everyone,
This is a pourquoi tale that I had to write for school about why giraffes have spots... this is most likely not true.
-Beaner

hey "beaner." This is really creative, and was fun to read. I have a couple of little mistakes that I just thought I'd point out, though. :P 

"...fight at once so, he decided that the animals would be invited to come at different times." 

The comma should be before so instead of after. 

"...Bobby said as he took the invitation from his furry friend's.  "You're welcome!" called Sam as he went to deliver the rest of the invites. " 

"friend's" should just be "friend" 

"called Sam as he..."

There should be a comma after Sam. 

And if you want to be proper, it should be invitations, rather than invites. 

"as she walked I the door"

as she walked OUT the door. 

"Let's go to the mud fight! We don't was to be late!" 

We don't want to be late!

"When the boys got there they realized that all of the other animals were already there." 

Where is there? Taking the place of "there", maybe you could put the location of the mud fight. Oh, and after "when the boys got there", there should be a comma. 

"There wasn't a single giraffe with a place to hide because they were the last animal that could come." 

There should be a comma before because. Also, Maybe you could change it to "they were the last of the animals to arrive" or "they were the last to arrive of all of the animals that could come"  or something like that. It seems a little bit akward. 

"For hours, the giraffes were being struck by mud balls including Jerry and Bobby with no way to stop them" 

there should be a comma before "including", and after "Bobby." 

  "When the sun went down, the game was over and every giraffe on earth was now covered in spots of mud and they were all so tired that they fell asleep with mud spots from head to toe. " 

A bit of a run on sentence.  Maybe after "mud" you could end the sentence and get rid of the "and". 

and "mud spots from head to toe" may sound a bit better with "covering them" after "mud spots"

	 The next morning when Bobby and Jerry tried to rub the mud off they had a big problem. "Jerry is your mud coming off?" Bobby asked over the phone.  "No, and mom and dads won't either."  Jerry replied.  Not a single one of the giraffes could get the mud off at all and they got so fed up with mud after that experience they decided to move somewhere where there was hardly and mud.

-A comma after "the mud off" 
-And a comma after "Jerry" in the sentence "Jerry, is your mud coming off?" and maybe change "your" to "the"
-and apostrophe after the last d in "dads" 
-"hardly and mud" should be "hardly any" 

	The giraffes all moved to Africa where there was hardly any mud and even thought the monkeys thought that it would be funny to do this to the giraffes that they were the ones who would lose their friends.

What is "this" ? 
This sentence didn't make sense at some parts, so you may want to read over it a couple of times. 


Sorry if I seem critical correcting this. 

I really enjoyed your story, and gave it 5 stars! :)

Beaner,
I like the story , for sure even  my grandma will love your story.
I like giraffe because of it's spots.
Kudos.