Star of completed novel: 'Hellbent'
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Star of completed novel: 'Hellbent'
Bad language Violence
Kudos 2.75 after 3 votes
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HELL BENT
Chapter 1

'Hello,' Lori answered her mobile phone as she walked around her local park in New York, neither the phone nor Lori herself had recognised the number.
'Hello Lori,' the voice was extremely deep and sinister, as if it was deliberately done that way and those two words alone unnerved Lori a little.
'I'm sorry I don't recognise your voice who is this?'
'You don't recognise my voice because you have never heard me talk before and I've never heard you until now. I thought you'd have a pleasant voice and indeed you do.'
'So we've never spoke before? Sorry I still didn't catch your name.'
'It doesn't matter what my name is right now.'
'Yet you know mine.'
'Clearly.'
'Look I'm sorry I really don't like talking to strangers, not even on the phone.'
'Oh come now, what harm could I do you on the phone.'
'Unless you've got something important to say I would suggest that this is just a waste of your phone bill.'
'Oh indeed I have something very important to say, I'd go as far as to say that it was a life or death scenario.'
'If that's the case please tell me that news, but if you are just wasting my time then I'd like to know.'
'I'll tell you all you need to know in good time.'
'All right, look I'm sorry but I'm strongly suspecting you are wasting my time so I'll be going now.'
'Hang up and you'll die right there bitch!'The voice was raised for the first time. 
Lori stopped walking and stood rooted to the spot.
'That's right Miss Jordan, you'll die right there in the park. Do you think that jogger will notice? What about the old couple on the bench? I know one thing the gunfire will scatter those pigeons just before the bullet scatters your brain.'
Lori stayed stood still, took deep breathes, ran her left hand through her hair and looked around the park.
'You won't be able to see me Lori.'
'Okay, you've got my attention. What do you want with me?'Lori managed to speak with a degree of calmness.
'I'm sure I could think of a lot of things given time, I'm sure most guys could.'
'This doesn't sound like a regulation sex pest phone call to me,' Lori somehow managed an element of defiance.
'You are correct in that belief. I have a very particular reason to be talking to you.'
'You going to tell me what that is?'
'All in good time.'
'Look I don't mean to upset you but just because you can see me doesn't mean you can kill me.'
'I can see those pigeons too don't forget.'
'So?'
Within seconds there was a quiet sound of something flying past Lori and sixteen of the pigeons flew away, leaving one behind. Lori tentatively walked over to the stationary bird. Leaned over to inspect it then let out a gasp as she saw the blood coming from the deceased pigeon. Covered her mouth, stood upright and frantically began to look around the park again.
'Told you already, you won't be able to see me. Do I have your attention now?'
'Absolutely.'
'Really? I'm not convinced, perhaps you need a human sacrifice. Let's see, how about the old couple on the bench, or the kid playing with the ball or maybe one of those two about to jog past you.'
'No please, that won't be necessary. Leave them out of it just tell me what you want,' Lori begged as her breathing became less controlled and she came close to tears.
That same quiet noise again and then one of the joggers collapsed to the floor grabbing his leg and screaming in agony. Lori was the only one in the park who knew what had happened, even the jogger himself had no clue what the instant sharp pain was in the back of his upper thigh.
'Oh God no! Please stop!'Lori held a hand to her forehead and lost control of her breathing. Nobody in the park noticed her staggering away from the scene, gradually people became aware of the stricken joggers plight, if not the reason for the blood pouring out of his leg. 
'Don't worry Lori, if I shoot you I'll shoot to kill, so you won't feel a thing. Where do you think you are going bitch?'
Appeared that she was staggering nowhere in particular but Lori was attempting to get to the nearby rubbish bin. 
'I...I need..need a..a. I..I am..am pro...pro...prone...to....pan....'
'Panic attacks? Oh sorry dear I didn't realise. Not going to kill you is it? I wanted to have much more fun with you.'
Lori frantically rummaged around in the bin with one hand whilst holding the phone in the other. Down towards the bottom she found what she was looking for and pulled out the brown paper bag that had been used to carry some fast food or other, a few other things came out with it but Lori shook the bag quickly, so soon it was the only thing in her hand. Horrible shortness of breath more than overrode her worry of any germs on the bag, put it to her mouth and started to breath into it. About a minute of this passed before Lori felt in control of her breathing again.
'Don't you have some sort of inhaler?'
'Yes but I was just planning a walk around the park and that wouldn't normally come close to setting off an attack. So what do you want me to do?'
'You see that black BMW to your right?'
'Yeah.'
'Get into the back seat of it.'
Lori was in no mood to be calling his bluff so she did as she was told, whilst having a look around the park in another vain attempt to catch a glimpse of her tormentor.
	Whilst the driver of that vehicle was clearly in on the phone callers plan, he was not the caller himself as Lori continued to hear from the caller on the phone whilst in the car. Told her that she was to be driven round to a man's house and she had to convince him to get in the car with her. Driver had a gun with him and Lori was told he wouldn't hesitate to use it if she tried to escape from the car. Journey to the mystery mans house wasn't all that far. Car pulled up at the end of the longer than average drive on a street lined with large houses. Lori's instructions were simply to get the man into the back of the car, but neither of them were allowed to converse with anybody else. Failure to get him in the car or telling anybody else of the goings on would result in her death. 
	Lori couldn't help but look all around her as she walked up the drive. Realised it could easily have been paranoia but Lori still felt like she was being watched. Walked slowly and tried to control her breathing, her heart rate was proving more difficult to control as it pounded away. After knocking on the door she had no idea what to expect, for all she knew it could be the man on the phone that was to answer the door. That thought in her head was given some credence when the man who opened the door was holding a phone to his ear.
'Hi. Erm, okay. I know you don't know me but I need you to do me a really big favour.'
'That was an attention grabber. Please go on.'
'This is a bit crazy, actually it is a lot crazy. But I need you to get into the back of that car with me.'
'I see. On the face of it that's one of the best offers I've ever had. But I can't help thinking there's a little more to this than your letting on.'
Despite the extreme situation Lori managed to produce a smile at the young mans comment. 'Sorry, not really getting my point across here. Didn't mean to give you the wrong impression.'
'Don't worry, I couldn't get too carried away because of the phrase 'too good to be true' ringing in my head.'
'The thing is I need you to get in the back of that car. In fact my life kind of depends on it. Please I know this is a massive leap of faith but I really need you to believe me right now.'
Strong quizzical look on his face. 'Sorry Joe I'll have to call you back,' he spoke into the phone and hung up. 'Look I want to believe you, but I've heard of these sort of door step scams before and I hate being gullible.'
'Look please!'Lori started to get the feeling she was going to die on this strangers doorstep, sweat broke out on her brow and another asthma attack didn't seem too far away. 'I'll tell you straight out. There's a guy on the end of this phone that says he's going to kill me if you don't get into that car.'
'Oh come on, you were doing quite well as the pretty lady con-artist, but you've completely over done it now. Sorry lady maybe you can try next door,' he went to shut the door only for Lori to forcefully push it open fully.
'No! It has to be you,' Lori begged then screamed as the window next to the front door was shattered by a bullet. 'Please you've got to help me, there's nobody else who can keep me alive right now. I know you don't know me but please don't let me die here,' Lori spoke amongst big sobs of tears and heavy breathing.
Momentarily stunned by what happened to his window he didn't take in all of what Lori said but he fully captured the sentiment and Lori's tearful state didn't look like any sort of act.
'Okay, calm down mate. What do you need me to do? Just get in that car?'
'Yes please, I'm so sorry,' Lori's breathing got worse.
'You all right?' he checked as he put his hands on her shoulders and tried to make eye contact as Lori stooped a little.
'I might be having...hav..having an pan...pan.panic attack.'
'Oh wow, you're not having a good day are you? You got an inhaler?'
Lori pulled the bag from the bin out of her pocket and started breathing into it. 
'I'm sure I've got a better bag for you somewhere,' he said and went to go inside to look for one.
'No!'Lori managed to shout out, stopping him in his tracks. 'He might ki..kill me if you go inside.'
'Let's just get in the car.'
'Please.'
Kudos 2.75 after 3 votes
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Comments, critiques and replies
TitleByDate
Hi, 
The start of any story must be compelling. One that makes the reader want to read on. The opening can
be dramatic, funny, shocking or merely reflective but, whichever it must be gripping. 
 The start of "Hell Bent" goes straight into dialogue. Dialogue set out something like play script- i.e.
with one character line (usually short) following another's.  This type of dialogue set out this way can
be very confusing to the reader especially when at times there is some ambiguity as to who is speaking.
 The first five hundred words of  your chapter one is set out this way without any scene setting. (Showing
instead of telling.)  You have to indicate the setting. You as the writer will know exactly the setting,
but can the reader? I always tell writers when writing dialogue to imagine the scene being played out
on television or the cinema. I have been to Central Park in New York many times and I never cease to wonder
at the acres of grassland, woodland, wild life and diversity of New Yorkers in the park.  Your victim
is in the park when she receives a call from her tormentor so therefore your dialogue should be interspersed
with some scene setting about the park. If I can give an example from my booklet on writing skills. Imagine
a scene at a football match. In real life the roar of the crowd, the occasional booing and hissing and
the frequent expletives shouted at the referee would automatically break the conversation. Using the scene
will bring your dialogue alive and give a reality feel to your reader.
When writing dialogue there should be a comma preceding the name, nick name, rank etc.
When novel writing, the opening paragraph should be aligned with the left hand margin. This also applies
to the first paragraph of a new chapter, change of scene or new venue. All others should be indented by
about five spaces.
You have in places got mixed view point.  This is  probably the most misunderstood part of writing but
it essential to get right as jumping between VPs can be very confusing to the reader as it  fragments
the narrative and makes bewildering reading.  The best way I can explain this is for you to imagine yourself
in the viewpoint character role. If you tell a friend about a meeting that you had with another person,
you will only be able to relate what you personally observed and heard. You cannot possibly know what
that other person was thinking-or indeed, if that person was telling lies/truth when he /she spoke. If
you do then it is assumption and guesswork on your part and it will not be realistic.
Your dialogue is at times unrealistic. Dialogue is the recipe by which your book /novel will be successful
or not. It balances the printed page, and imparts information in a natural way, pushes the story line
and reveals character, traits beliefs opinion, bigotry etc. Once you have written your dialogue you need
to revisit and read it out a loud, read it out to family and friends. Consider if this really is what
I would say in this situation.  The best dialogue is simple dialogue, not long winded and full of over-long
explanations. 
Please don't get down hearted by what I have said. You clearly have a talent for writing and with determination
I'm sure that you will be successful. Like all learning situations there are rules, to learn and procedures
to abide by. Good writing.

Regards Rowland
rowland [93]04/11/2008
Thanks for reading Rowland.
When the criticism is nearly as long as the piece it must be a bit of a shocker!!
Far be it from me to criticise your criticism, but if you could give me examples of each of these numberous
errors I am making then that would become more useful criticism.
Thanks again for your effort, I'm off now to find a noose!!!
Lupine Rob [25]04/11/2008
I don't think you need to reach for the noose just yet. Your stuff is well written. Rowland has just given
you specific guidance in to how you can make it better still.

Perhaps you should ditch the first two lines and start straight with the third. The dialogue is much more
gripping on the third and fourth lines. You do need to introduce the setting too, of course. I think you
could introduce the setting in an interlaced fashion along with the dialogue.
Carl [233]04/11/2008
Thanks Carl, it's ok I couldn't find any rope anyway! I know what you both mean by the interspersing the
setting of the scene in amongst the dialogue, funnily enough when I first wrote this piece I had a few
lines like that in there. But another writing 'expert', suggested taking them out so that the scene moved
at an even greater pace. That's when writing gets confusing, because no matter how much people talk about
'rules', it always comes down to personal opinion.
By the way, what did you think of my comment on you 'showing, not telling' example piece? I'd be interested
to see if we are on the same wavelenght on that 'rule' that this site holds so sacred.
Thanks again for reading my piece and offering suggestions, I'll definitely consider taking out the first
two lines.
Lupine Rob [25]05/11/2008
Hi,
 As I said after my comments, you have a talent for writing and you should stick at it. I will over the
next few days send you an e/mail with more in depth detail about the comments I raised. Don't get despondent
about you work. If writing was that easy we would all write block buster's and be millionaires.
Regards Rowland
rowland [93]05/11/2008
I certainly don't purport to being a writing 'expert'. Not all of my feedback is going to be helpful even
though this is always my intention. I don't want to be the teacher here nor necessarily the pupil, just
an amateur writer in the company of other amateur writers.

Regards the showing not telling rule. It is important I feel, but it's certainly not sacrosanct. While
one should avoid telling as much as possible, there are cases where it is allowed. There is a good wikipedia
article on the subject here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show,_don't_tell

I understood where you were coming from with your comment on the showing versus telling thread. However,
I think you were being a bit too analytical / fine-grained in the way you were interpreting it. Every
single word of a story, if treated in isolation, is 'telling' in a sense. Every individual word provides
a datum for the reader to process and to build up some understanding of the story. There's no escaping
that. The showing versus telling business operates at a macro scale / i.e. at the level of sentences or
paragraphs not individual phrases. Showing versus telling is just a way of allowing the reader to engage
in reading the story without the story reading like some tedious news article. Overloading the reader
with too much informaton all in one go is the quickest way to lose his or her interest. This is my main
motivation for applying the 'rule.'
Carl [233]05/11/2008

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