The soft drops run down the window like my dreams.
My dreams are running away ,but I have no strength left to reach out for them.


This morning fate became reality. I was sitting on that hard plastic chair, the dirty coldness of fading white walls drowned me up. From the depths ,I heard those words, the words that make me think, stop me dreaming and froze my life.
" I'm sorry there's nothing we can do." My mum squeezed my hand as the doctor fidgeted in his chair and a hard lump ran through my throat as I realised that nothing mattered anymore. My past is all I have  to show and my future well there isn't really much living to do there anyway. I've made my mark in this world and I can't change it. I'm 17 years old,  I'll probably never be more than that. Life is scary when you can imagine your own gravestone, your own funeral. 
 
I live every day with fear but I can't have regrets I've learnt that life really is to short for that. I want to live my last moments happy. I can't have dreams so I'll have to make every moment one of my old dreams. I'm stuck with this so I'm learning to live with it. I try and live every day to the full, try to forget about what's happening but you can't stop that feeling in your stomach, like every moment your going to be sick. But like I said I can live with that.

 What makes me cry myself to sleep is my mum and dad, they smile like nothings wrong they're always there ,but you can see what its doing to them. Their faces are pale and drained, the life in them is gone. The laughter, jokes and people I know have been taken. I wish, I wish what a laugh, I should know that wishes don't come true but I still wish , I wish that I could ,could die with laughter in my bones. Die what an awfully big word that seems, no one uses that word it's "your last moments" "when the time comes". No I'm going to die, it makes me shiver but I have to live with the truth, I'm going to die. 

My parents love me and they always will. When I die I want them to live their lives maybe adopt another child. I know they probably won't but if I could have a dying wish it would be for them to forget about me. Or at least be happy. Even if they forget me, they'd love me but this is again another wish. I always wanted to be a big sister. It doesn't really matter if I'm dead, I still want to be a big sister its just looking down on him or her will be more literal. 

Pale walls , Dirty pale walls every second that is my view, I always liked sleep but my bed has lost its appeal every waking second is boring but I don't have the energy any more. I still smile and laugh but my parents laughs are fake. What I'd do for real joy. My voice goes hoarse as I tell mum and dad I love them I know they love me. I'll always know they love me. Always.