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Hello!
Thanks for your opinion. In the line that confused you, I was trying to get at the fast that there is a reason behind conflict, but sometimes it is hard to see the reason behind the reason. Do you get my drift?
Audrey
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Hi Audrey, Nice well written piece. No problems with the english, although I would suggest that you change tent to trench or dugout as within small arms range of the enemy, soldiers would be unlikely to pitch tents.
Good to see you back.
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Thank you for pointing that out, churchmouse! I wrote the piece quickly and relied on what I already knew about life in the war, but must have overlooked that. Thanks again!
Audrey
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I like this piece
It's about a soldier questioning
It's not about fear
It's about the relevance of war
It's about the gun breathing life to a lifeless bullet to take a life
I like the first line
It packs impact
I think it would pack more impact if you just say
< A bullet shoots across the battlefield. Another soldier killed. Not me. Not yet. >
It establishes the rhythm of battle and the story
Overall, I like the rhythm.
m n m n I
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This piece is short on words but really shoots from the hip!
I like the mixed sense of fear and questioning and disbelief you entrench within your soldier's mind. The sense of loss and the almighty cost of war is here laid bare and also tragically all-too-late it seems, for this young soldier.
Love the motivation for your penning this - simply written out of an urge to write.
Good stuff!
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Thanks for the suggestion!
Audrey
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very dark but its very good.
wolfy
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you're very talented audrey. this would be a good movie too :) i can hear the charater having thought monologe while on the battlefield. nicely done.
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