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Aria/Zim Chapter 1

By Winddancer | Posted: 03 November 2008

Views: 380
Violence
Violence
Zimore creeped stealthily up the obsidian wall of the two story living quarters. She had been trained well; the microscopic suction cup-like growths on the tips of her fingers and toes were so silent, Zim herself could not hear them. Zimore slowed as she came to the ruby windows framed in gold. Cheap materials, even for the lower class part of town. Glass. Glass was the expensive material for windows. Glass and wood. The planet was abundant in gem stones and metals, but wood and glass were scarce. Zim lifted her head and peeked inside the red window. There he was. Colonial Curob Oranab, leader of the rebellion against the High Council. He was exactly how the Head Councilsear had described him. Blue skin, slightly muscular, with a tail that was shorter than normal for a Searon, and covered in scars. How unusual for a Blue Skin. He was alone, sitting facing an open freezing unit, away from the window where Zim had by now perched. She did not worry about being seen. She had already changed her skin color to red to match the window, and her outfit, a tunic and pants made of special Searonian cloth, changed with her. The only thing that could give her away, her iridescent short white hair and inch longer bangs, was safely tucked into a hat made of the same special cloth. Zim razed her long, white finger nail, and began to quickly and quietly cut a single ruby window pane away. Once, the colonial shifted, making his scales rattle and his toe talons scrape the floor and back spikes scrape the iron chair (another cheap product). Zimore instantly froze. When she was sure she was still undetected, she continued. Once the pane was lose, she silently pulled it out. Still holding it, she quietly slid into the room. Here she closed her eyes, allowing the shapes that she saw behind her eyelids to fill her mind. It was easier this way. This way, she didn't have to see the light blue blood when the pane would sever her targets neck. She heard the freezing unit kick off, and instantly tensed. Mistake. The air tensed with her, and Curob noticed the shift. As he stood to defend himself, Zim gathered her strength and flung the sharp pane like a throwing disc. She flinched as she heard the splitting of flesh and the thud of the pane drive into the wall. The ruby window pane was still vibrating with the force of her throw and blood was running down the wall from it, forever staining it light blue, as Zim exited through the window and scaled back down the wall.
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Comments 
Carl
05 November 2008
It's good. I don't believe you should draw attention to wood and glass being scarce though. This is a small detail which is irrelevant to your story. It is putting your perspective on the story rather than engaging the reader in a different reality where wood and glass happen to be scarce. Similar with iron being cheap. When writing, you do not need to draw attention to the differences between your reality and the reality you are writing about it. Leave your reader to figure this out for themselves.
rowland
05 November 2008
Hi, Having read your work with interest I have the following observations. 
In the first sentence you use the word "creeped stealthily." The word "creeped" is usually used in speech only as there has been very little use of it in written English for many years. The word "crept" is normally used. To use the word "creeped and stealthily" together is unessacerry as either counteract the other.   In the fourth sentence you have a repeated word  "Glass." On the thirteen sentence you use the word "was" when it should be "were."  You also use frequently use the word "lose" when you mean "loose." You also use "quietly slid" which is uneccesary either word can be used but not both. 
Finally, you have fallen into the same trap as a lot of new writers and that is telling rather than showing  a story.    Finally, a mention about your authors note. This is not what writing a story is all about. Would you buy a book that didin't make sense until much later in the story?
If  I can be of any further help contact me.
Regards Rowland
Winddancer
06 November 2008
Thank you both very very much, your comments are very appreciated. As I said before this is not the main story I'm working on at the moment but I have saved both of you comments for further referance. Thanks!!  ~Windy

Writer
Winddancer

Total posts:
11
Roles: Writer
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