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Hi Strawberry Jam! I really like the idea of this piece and it feels like you put a lot of thought into it. However there are a few little suggestions I have that you don't have to use. They are just ways you could improve this poem.
Just one more breath,
Thats all it takes,
Just one more breath,
To see them grow up.
I noticed that the last line didn't really rhyme that well, and I felt that it seemed a bit out of place. The growing up, to me, at least, didn't seem like it had anything to do with the other parts.
Just one more minuet,
To hold onto life,
Just one more minuet,
Thats all I want.
I think that that stanza was really well written and expressed a lot! There are a couple spelling mistakes "Minute" and "That's". Well done, other than those minor errors.
Just one more day,
Thats all I ask,
Just one more day,
To make life last,
That stanza was my favourite one. It showed the desperate feelings really well. Great!
A little longer,
Please, just a little longer,
I can't leave now,
No, I can't leave now.
I like the idea of repeating things a little bit differently, but the flow was a bit off. Maybe you could do something like this :
A little bit longer,
Just a little bit longer,
I can't leave now,
Please, don't let me leave now.
I'm not meaning to change your work, so please don't take it that way. I think you did a fine job on this!
Ellie-May
aka taylorswift97
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