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Damaged

By dollybyrd | Posted: 10 April 2010

Views: 137
Just wanted some advice on my work :) I've been writing a story (hoping it becomes a full novel) for some time now and I have re-written over and over again. So I started all over again today and was wondering what you guys thought of this, it is the first paragraph of my story which is a Memoir of a World War 1 Nurse.

February 7th, 1915
          What have all these men done to deserve this? They get carried in screaming and crying, very few walk in and those that do do not come on their own. Alot of them cannot even talk through the pain and distress. The most benign of these injuries being a single limb blown off or third degree burns that have completely ripped off skin. The worst... I do not wish to recall. This job was suppose to be a way for me to escape all the death and suffering, a nurse doesn't really do much does she. Maybe change bed sheets and assist with small check-ups, but never in my wildest dreams could I be doing what I must now. To be perfectly honest with you diary, I do not think I will be able to take much more.
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Comments 
churchmouse
10 April 2010
Hi dollybyrd. I looked at your first submission, and this is much better. The writing is tighter and you are not trying to cram everything in at once.
As an avid reader of first world war writing I look forward to reading further pieces from you.
One suggestion, It might be wise to change the line single limb blown off, as for a casualty clearing station during a battle it could be as little as gas inhalation, flesh wounds or broken legs etc and for a general hospital even less- trench foot, T.B.  V.D.  etc. Both of course took casualties with horrific injuries also.
Read as much as you can on the subject. Tommy by prof Richard Holmes and The first day of the Somme and The Kaisers battle by Martin Middlebrook are very good factual books on the subject. and include memoires of nursing staff.
From a writing point of view I thought that your revised submission  was very good.
churchmouse
11 April 2010
Hello again dollybyrd. I may have given you some misleading information. To clarify: All casualties passed through a casualty clearing station (CCS) but T.B. patients would be sent to a separate tuberculosis hospital where they would be feed on whole chicken, milk pudding and Guinness.  The unfortunates that contracted venereal disease would also be sent to a specialist hospital  where there was a very strict regime as to catch VD was unofficially considered a self-inflicted wound. To compound the misery, their pay was also stopped during the treatment. Everyone else would be sent on to a base or general hospital.
Hope this helps.

Writer
dollybyrd

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Damaged
Genre / category: Fiction