Trying to say...(you couldn't give). by blackrose

I can't believe this day has come.
See, I never thought that
 I would be the one
(of us two).
Who had to...let go
and so....
I need to move on
that doesn't mean move away.
Know that in my heart
you will always stay.
Oh...what I'm trying to say
is that silently,
I think of you each day
and crave the love.......(you couldn't give).
For we...
like the flour in a sieve
fell divided.
And..
we remined seperate
never became united.
We didn't mix.
I need to move on
that doesn't mean move away
know that in my heart
you will always stay
Oh...what I'm trying to say...is
I mean...I have to rise, 
while I depend on you,
I will never meet the skies.
I'll stand stationary
as the world passes by. 
Watching 
and 
Waiting
and wondering why.
I craved a love that
you couldn't give.

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Comments

CommittedVision

11 November 2008

I very much have always liked your work.  You are definitely a poet.  I'm no pro but I have a suggestion:

And we...
like the flour in a sieve
fell divided.
But...
we remained seperate
never became united.

Instead of "But", I would use "And" because you already stated that you were divided.  And instead of "And" at the beginning, I would say "For"

For we like flour . . .
And . . we remained . . .

debbie reynolds

12 November 2008

Wow, Deep thinking there, Brill. Have you had any work published?

blackrose

12 November 2008

wow...thatn you both very much!!!
(big smile on myface)!!!!

I definately like your suggestion...I did have a lil' trouble with this part, but I'm going to update it with your suggestions, it does flow alot better!

No I don't have any work published ;-(...but I do want to get some of my poems published...not quite sure how to go about it.


thank you again...I REALLY appreciate to feedback
xxx

blackrose

12 November 2008

was supposed to say...
 
THANK you very much....lol
spelling without a cup of tea in my system....not a good look....lol

JD Higginson

23 April 2009

Not much more I can add on the other comments. Excellent poem. Love your work.

JD

Also see: Autumn vs. Winter (blackrose) • LA MANCHA. (Durlabh Singh) • KISS. (Durlabh Singh) • BALLAD. (Durlabh Singh) • The Refugee (kemmylim) • I Am Alive (kemmylim) • Italian Morning, English Afternoon (jw4538) • Goodbye (debbie reynolds) • What is poetry? (rowland) • Death (hypersarah)

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Writer blackrose	Total posts: 56
Roles: Writer

London, UNITED KINGDOM

Well what can I say....I love to write, I write poetry mainly but I have recently started to write a novel, which coming along slowly but surely!!!! (thanks to MyNovel Software!!!...) I am new to this ... (Read more)

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