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. . . please let me know if it projects the right mood . . . thanks.
///////////////////////////
A huge grandfather clock's pendulum swung freely at a far corner of the foyer inching a pair of hands toward 4:00 A.M.; the lobby nearly deserted. With only the soft glow of recessed fluorescents, empty sumptuous leather sofas gave warm sentiments to ease a weary traveler.
At a side station, tucked away behind a tall counter built with gorgeous decorative hand-laid woven fine cherry veneer with gilded edging, drowsy graveyard shift workers were busy updating audit lists, gingerly punching away at keyboards, consciously avoiding chipping artificial nails. A sluggish cleaner with a long-handled mop was halfway off his shift pushing through the nth-time sweeping and buffing a distinctly glistening white marbled floor of the five-star establishment.
Breaking silence, a lone guest pulled a black tote bag, clicking its dragged wheels over floor gaps in a balanced rhythmic protest. Glancing around, the middle-aged man stopped briefly in the middle of the enormous lobby to admire an intricately carved dark-wood high ceiling, processing information to mind like a veteran operative would do. He blew a nasal sigh then ambled perceptively toward reception.
A tall, slim, would-be candidate for a Miss World title flashed a tempting smile showing perfect teeth as she carried herself gracefully, hips modeled a steady sway and spacing her stiletto-heeled half steps toward the stimulated guest. A permanently smiling attendant couldn't be more inviting.
"Guevara," he said in a hushed tone, looking over his tired shoulders as if someone would tag him at any moment. Che discreetly flipped a badge; "NBI" shimmered in the subdued light.
"Yes, Mr. Guevara, we've been expecting you, sir. Welcome to Manila Hotel." The pretty concierge kept a smile as if a whole modeling career would depend on it. She offered an electronic keycard.
"You're in 408 on the fourth," she cooed, dimples and all, white teeth glimmered in the soft light reminiscent of a high-def toothpaste commercial.
"Thank you. Could you please buzz me at seven?"
"Yes sir, we'll set you up at seven."
She raised an arm initiating a bellman into a hurried trot. With a slight bow, he offered to take his bag.
"It's alright, just show me the lift." Che waved a hand suppressing a yawn.
The bellman instead advanced an open palm toward the elevator, his right hand at ease behind his back in simulated submission.
Director Guevara glanced back and threw a thankful nod at reception; her face still frozen with the nicest smile east of the Suez Canal.
Che sighed.
Though his feet felt like heavy adobe bricks and his knees wobbly, he had to drag himself to catch a few winks before the operatives' 8:00 AM briefing on mission deployment. He'd been at this hotel numerous times but the grandeur always convinced him he was a trespasser. Che's simple living made him feel he didn't belong within the hallowed halls where titans of industries had casually sipped double-filtered imported Arabica to discuss how they'd plan for the next million-dollar deal in the succeeding twenty-four hours.
He walked past abstract art, rich, modern and the occasional contemporary furniture, spotless floors and walls. At every corner, seriously uptight and bowing uniformed personnel seemed too eager to please as if they would lose their pensions the moment they stopped the pretense. Some Filipino whiz kid had done the interior decoration worthy of a magazine spread and ultra-glossy colored brochures were laid everywhere for the 'A'- listed patrons to browse on (but hardly anyone ever did).
Che couldn't care less for the pompous amenities; all these were only hypocritical and pretentious, and had it not for Gus' generosity, he would've saved his money and would've preferred the simple boardroom at TAHOE with a preferred brand of rich Columbian coffee. It was at Gus' insistence that billeted the spooks and pampered at the hotel prior to launching Operation Blue Folder.
Not wishing to miss a wake-up call, he set up the radio clock to discharge.
Guevara jolted when a loud irritating buzz screeched followed by a nagging telephone. He slapped the offending clock radio twice - time to get up; grabbed the receiver and dropped it back to silence it. He wasn't too thrilled to have had only three hours of snooze, but he had no choice. A quick breakfast of oatmeal, orange juice and double-filtered black coffee, served in his room, woke him up. A brief scan of a national daily followed a quick check of electronic briefings on email, cell and text messages; a five-minute shower was last to complete a routine to greet the day. Nothing overly pressing so far and he was able to breathe a blunt sigh of relief.
Jimi Valero came to collect him.
All articles on this website by
Grampa Pogi are copyright ©Grampa Pogi and should not be reproduced
without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their
respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.
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Hi Grampa. I have read this a few times now, as presumably it is the first - and therefore most important -page of your book. The mood and the voice were perfect, and the piece itself needs no tweaking except possibly for (sorry) : workers behind a tall counter............. may work better as: Tucked away at a side station, behind a tall counter built with............................drowsy grave-yard shift workers were busy.........
The only other thing is to insert the word hotel before the word foyer so that the reader has the picture of a hotel in their mind sooner, as the grandfather clock could lead one to initially think of a farmhouse rather than a hotel.
Only very minor things, and not serious. The rest was great.
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Thanks Churchmouse, that did it ... it flows more smoothly now. It's a portion of an early chapter . . . but not the first page . . . and I couldn't seem to get the right flow, but it's better now. I thought, there's got to be a better way to restructure the paragraph or paragraphs.
As for the 'hotel' I didn't include the chapter label here that says 'Manila Hotel, Philippines' . . . and the reader would be alerted prior to reading the first line.
Thanks a lot, much appreciated.
Grampa
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Hey good looking Grampa
Did you mean "At a side station tucked away behind a tall counter . . . "? or the workers were tucked away?
My suggestions, if you decide to accept it :D
Streamline the sentence further and combine with the following sentence, i.e. ". . . the drowsy graveyard shift were busy updating audit lists, gingerly punching away at keyboards, consciously avoiding chipping their fake nails."
Change "decoratively gorgeous . . ." to "gorgeous decorative hand-laid woven fine cherry veneer . . ."
Everything's looking good, but as you know, you'd always find something superfluous or to tweak or change or streamline every time you read it.
Welcome back . . .
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That's great mnmnI, I mean the 'good-looking' part :-)
And you're right, it's even more streamlined now with your great suggestion. That's actually one of the paragraphs I struggled with and now it's even better. It might just win a pulitzer . . . nah :-) . . . but we could always dream :-D
Grampa
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An excellent start!
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Thanks ChrissieJo, much appreciated.
Cheers,
Grampa
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I caught the feel of the grandeur of the hotel, as well as the feeling of weariness in Che. The voice and mood is perfect, and just as the former sampling of this story that I read, it captures my attention. I could have kept reading on without stopping.
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Thanks Glory,
It's what I like about this site ... one could always check on older submissions. This is from my second novel The Jeneral and I'm glad you liked it.
I wish I have a little time to spend more on reading recent submissions; I am a few chapters away from my third editing pass ... and then on to cover designing. It's getting close to deadline; then off to the printers :-D
Cheers,
Grampa
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I often backtrack and go on from there just to mark the progress of pieces and get a good feel for the storyline. Your writing interests me and I intend to get to the more recent submissions. Your descriptive quality doesn't go unnoticed with me. Have a wonderful week ahead!
Respectfully,
Glory
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Glory, I'm thankful for my fellow writers here like you that took the time to critique; without them, often we ovelook what's obvious because of our own little quirks. My first submissions were atrocious and often mixed present and past tenses and the grammar was somewhere between Canada and the southern reaches of Mindanao. I learned as much as I could from the community and even an old dog like me could learn new tricks. :-D
Since it was thanksgiving this past weekend (I'm all turkeyed-out in a nice way :-), I thought maybe it's time to give thanks especially to our Almighty God who gave us our talents and to everyone here at WC ; and try our best to hone our writer's skills to make it better.
Blessings to you as well and I can tell you Glory that you have what it takes to be a successful published writer.
Cheers,
Grampa
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This snippet drew me into it, enveloped me and it was as if I became a part of it, as I read. The detail within the write is simply spectacular, it is very indepth and paints a vision so real for the reader, in their mind as they read. The attention to detail is simply amazing! I very much enjoyed reading it, seldom do become as absorbed or engrossed in a story, as I became in this one. Outstanding work, Grampa! Thank you for sharing. Blessings in abundance to you.....
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Many thanks Marie, always a pleasure to read your comments.
Cheers,
Grampa
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Kudos
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From 5 votes
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Total posts: 659
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Roles:
Writer
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Scarborough, CANADA
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Retired System Engineer, Filipino-Canadian, born in Manila, educated at San Sebastian College, University of the Philippines and various schools in Canada. Previous careers: Cartographer / Graphic ... (Read more)
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