The Writers' Circle

A little bit of nonsense!
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Grandma Alice

Grandma Alice had cats. 
Not just one or two cats like most old ladies, but 206 cats lived with Grandma Alice.
It had all started quite inadvertently many years previously when her children were very young; they would ask if they could have a pet and being a kindly soul, Alice had agreed. 
However, the pet situation did get slightly out of hand as when doing a head count one day Alice realised that as well as 5 children there were 18 cats, 4 dogs, 12 rabbits, 16 guinea pigs, 7 hamsters, 11 gerbils, 1 tortoise, 2 terrapins, 3 budgies, 4 canaries, 3 iguanas, 8 grass snakes and 14 geckos wandering around the house and garden. 
Somewhere or other she remembered having a husband as well but couldn't be sure quite where he was, which was hardly surprising. 
Her siblings, other relatives and numerous friends frequently brought their children round to her home as they had realised that visiting Alice was a much cheaper way of keeping their kids entertained than a day out at the zoo, and so her life and her house was always full.

As time wore on, Alice's children grew up and left home, and many of their pets had gone to the great menagerie in the sky. 
Alice's husband Harry had also gone the same way as the earlier pets, she having found him stretched out on the sofa and as stiff as a board one Saturday afternoon while she was tidying the lounge; this had miffed her somewhat at the time as she had wanted to get the vacuuming done and not only that, he was making the place look very untidy. 
She wondered where she should bury him and as she was measuring the space in the garden between the Alsatian and Retriever, her neighbour called by and phoned the undertaker, who then came and took Harry away which solved Alice's problem.

Although the tortoise was still chugging around somewhere, all that Alice had left for company by way of pets were a few cats, but somehow their numbers grew - mainly by accident on Alice's part, in as much as word had got around on the cat grapevine that a good dinner was always available at Alice's place and so they came, they ate, they mated, they slept and they stayed on. 
Eventually she had 49 cats that she fussed and cosseted as if they were babies. 
Grandma Alice was getting on a bit by now, and her children had children; her grandchildren and great grandchildren would come to visit and almost always brought her a gift - of another cat or kitten, (mainly because their parents had told them they couldn't keep it) and quite often the children would bring their friends with them each bearing a feline gift as well, and so Grandma Alice's cat population continued to grow and grow and grow.

Grandma Alice lived on her state pension, it wasn't a lot of money but was deemed adequate by Her Majesty's Government for one little old lady to basically survive on.
Grandma Alice wrote to the government and explained that she had a family to keep, and that she needed more money. 
To supplement their canned food Alice had taken to trawling the kerb-side for road-kill early in the mornings, often returning home during late afternoon her shopping trolley bulging with rabbits and pigeons; sometimes she managed to find hedgehogs that weren't too flat and occasionally had a lucky find of a fox or even a badger or two, all of which she would prepare and stew up for the cats' supper. 
Anyhow, the government decided to send a pensions officer round to see Grandma Alice; as she'd made no mention of being a parent with children at home when she originally filled out her pension application form they wondered where her new family had come from.
The man arrived and Grandma Alice told him about her cat family, (which had by now grown to 146) and explained how her pension didn't provide little extra treats for them like best Cornish cream and fresh fish on their birthdays. 
The man, a Mr. Jobsworth, simply looked at Grandma Alice and then said he would arrange for the cat annihilation team to call and take them off her hands.
He left swiftly after being belted around his left ear with a stiff badger, followed by several dozen tins of cat food that were hurled along the path behind him as he rushed to open the gate.
Grandma Alice now realised that the government were not about to increase her pension, but she vowed to carry on and bugger the lot of them.
 Cats have no concept of money as we know, and gave no thought as to how Grandma Alice would afford to feed them, but feed them she did to her own detriment. 
Alice lived on dry bread and water while her 'babies' - over 200 of them now, continued to eat good meaty cat food and stewed road-kill along with the occasional mouse when they could be bothered to go out and catch one. 
Around the middle of October, some children came by collecting wood and anything else they could scrounge for Guy Fawkes bonfire night. They'd knocked at the door and got no reply, then wandered off around Grandma Alice's garden where they found her huddled up asleep underneath a couple of old blankets in the garden shed - as the cats had by now taken over her house and all the bedrooms, Alice often slept in the shed. 
Anyhow, the kids spotted her and decided she'd make an excellent guy for the bonfire. As she was thin and bony and dressed in ragged clothes with her body rigid from the cold, they thought she was an old scarecrow and dumped her on the barrow along with the wood they'd collected. 
Alice was too tired and weak to resist and went along for the ride not knowing where she was being taken, but by the time they got to the bonfire site she was more awake and leapt off the barrow and began to shout at the children. 
Thinking the scarecrow had come to life the children took fright and ran, with Grandma Alice waving, shouting and struggling to catch up behind them. 
Upon reaching the town centre cars swerved and tyres screeched as Grandma Alice pursued the children through the High Street, until one car actually caught her and tossed her into the air where she sailed up and then landed with a rattling, bony thud on the bonnet of the car behind. 
An ambulance was called to take Alice to hospital, but all she could do was cry and shout about her babies.
Thinking she was some kind of head case the ambulance men restrained her and although her bones rattled a bit when they shook her, guessed that as she was kicking hell out of their legs she wasn't too badly hurt and decided to take her to the local psychiatric hospital instead. 
Once there, she was placed in a secure unit until the authorities could ascertain who she was and where she had come from.

Meanwhile, back at Grandma Alice's house the cats were looking for their breakfast - their bowls were empty and there was no sign of Grandma Alice, neither was there any road-kill cooking smells lingering around the house.

This would not do, it was just not good enough. 

They searched everywhere but couldn't find her, and having no way of opening the tins themselves they simply sat around washing their paws and their faces, then they cleaned their bums and groomed their tails as they grumbled and complained while waiting for her to return home.
By the following morning the cats were starving, bad tempered and very, very grouchy. They began arguing amongst themselves, spitting and snarling at one another, and swiping out with claws extended at any other cat that even dared to look in the same direction. Some began scratching the furniture and shredding the curtains and armchairs, a few of them had gone out to catch something to eat but they were used to being pampered and well fed and knew that one measly mouse or a skinny little sparrow had very little nourishment by comparison.

With a loud 'Thuuunkkk' the free local weekly paper dropped through the letterbox and George, who was the better educated of all the resident cats glanced briefly at it before shredding it into confetti. 
He stopped a claw away as he spotted a picture of Grandma Alice, and then read the accompanying text.
 'Old lady found confused and deranged in town centre after being hit by car' 
He read further and noted that she had been taken to the local psychiatric hospital. 
George called the other cats together and explained what had happened, and then he outlined his plan.

The following morning, the headlines in the local daily read:
'Psychiatric Hospital under Siege' 

And then continued . 
'206 cats, waving placards demanding the release of one of the patients, an immediate delivery of a lorry load of fresh fish and a jumbo jet to take them to the cat food factory have infiltrated the town's psychiatric hospital where they have taken 4 security men, 
5 nurses and 13 senile elderly women hostage until their demands are met.