| Comments | |
|
|
OK Grampa, not too brutal I hope, but here we go: Streets among fancy bistros! streets lined with fancy bistros perhaps.
Romulo Ramirez: -May be better to drop the first or second name sooner, rather than repeating it in its entirety three times.
Unlikely to be a pool of gore from a pistol shot, possibly a spurt of blood but nothing else, also the shooter would probably put a second shot behind the ear when the victim was on the floor to make sure.
Apart from that, it was a good intro that gripped the reader and should work well when polished up.
Cheers, C
|
|
|
Thanks Churchmouse,
>>>Streets among fancy bistros! streets lined with fancy
bistros perhaps.
. . . you got me thinking hard . . . but, I was referring to the costly vehicles that lined the streets and they were among fancy bistros and some of those costly vehicles were even chauffered. I cut the unnecessary words and it would still mean the same thing. I think :-)
>>> Romulo Ramirez: -May be better to drop the first or second name sooner, rather than repeating it in its
entirety three times.
. . . when the reader had memorized a name and suddenly it was revealed it was only a fake name, it creates a lot of conflict, tension and suspense. Right there, the reader is given a point where he might ask, what would I do in such a situation? The name won't even matter at this point because it wasn't even his real name. The focus now is in his dilemma that he's in deep doodoo. He is presented with choices but there are really no choices and his name won't even matter anymore because the reader knew his real name is something else. Right after the revelation, I could have used his real name and the reader would still know who I am referring to.
>>> Unlikely to be a pool of gore from a pistol shot, possibly a spurt of blood but nothing else, also the shooter would probably put a second shot behind the ear when the victim was on the floor to make sure.
. . . that's a great idea. But I had to add drama and show a pool of gore . . . it kinda hits you in the gut (since most of the movies I've seen looked that way, with a lot of blood to play on the reader's (or viewer's) psyche) . . . and some would even have the blood flow slowly. In my scene, it gives some readers the idea that the bullet might have shattered the front part of the neck since the bullet entered the back of the neck from a Beretta M92 and with that kind of gun, the bullet would probably exit through and shatter the throat, hence a possible pool of blood. I've never seen it in action, though :-)
. . . as for second shots, well, something I've observed with 'cool' assassins in movies. It only takes one well placed shot . . . gangster fights take 50-100 shots and they would still be standing (ditto for chinese movies with sub-machine guns . . . after 18,000 shots without reloading, they're all still standing. I chuckle sometimes. But professional hits take only one clean shot (ala J. Bond) because they know where to shoot for a deadly shot. (Sub-consciously, the reader would feel it was a pro hit . . . although I didn't say it . . . in the subsequent investigation, I would say it was in fact a pro hit).
Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.
Cheers,
Grampa
|