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Chapter 1 - The Talk - New Version - Please Review
By
sarah92
| Posted:
20 August 2010
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Chapter 1
The Talk
"There is no way on earth that I am going to let that happen."
Tony Dyson was doing his best to pace angrily up and down his office, but as it was little bigger than the average shoe cupboard, he wasn't getting very far.
"I'm sorry Mary, but we need a new plan."
Tony's wife sighed; she had known he was going to take this badly, "We don't get to make a new plan, Tony. This is going to happen and throwing a hissy fit isn't the thing that's going to change it. You never know, maybe social services are right, maybe this is the kick up the backside we need to really seal a deal this time."
Tony gaped at her, his whole body shaking with frustration, "Aren't you even going to try and fight?" he cried, grabbing his toupee before it fell off his head, "Do you want to lose the home?"
"Of course I don't," she snapped, "But you can't honestly be surprised that this is happening? They've been threatening to do something like this for years. We're lucky we've lasted as long as we have."
Tony scowled, but didn't say anything. He had known this day would come eventually, but they had always managed to avoid it. He didn't know what he'd do if he lost Fly by House.
"They've given us until January 2nd to find Matt and Rosa permanent parents," Mary continued, "That gives us less than three weeks and if we haven't managed it by then, they're going to shut us down."
"But why the twins?" he cried.
"Because they've been here the longest."
"But to any reasonable person that would surely mean that they would be the ones who stayed."
"If we don't get them adopted by the deadline it won't matter who it is, because we'll be shut down anyway and if that happens all the kids will be separated, including Matt and Rosa."
"NO!" Tony shouted, banging his fist on the table and upsetting a pot of pens, "Who would do that to them? It's just cruel. They're only twelve."
"I know," said Mary sadly, "I'm working on trying to keep them together but all Social Services say is that they can't guarantee anything and that we should be putting less of our energies into thinking about what might happen and more into finding them parents."
"Couldn't we adopt them?" Tony asked, "Then no one could take them away."
"Over crowding is the whole reason they're doing this and that wouldn't solve it. We've already got three kids per room as it is, we're at breaking point. Merlin's leaving, but even that won't free us up enough space."
"But we've tried hundreds of potential parents for Matt and Rosa and none of them have been right. How are we meant to do in three weeks what we've failed in eight years?"
"To be honest I don't think Social Services expect us to manage it. I think they expect us to try and fail and then they'll swoop in and shut us down for good."
Tony swore savagely under his breath, "We can't let them do that."
"We don't have a choice."
Tony grimaced, as outside on the landing Matt and Rosa looked at each other as the realisation of what they had just heard sank in.
All articles on this website by
sarah92 are copyright ©sarah92 and should not be reproduced
without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their
respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.
| Comments | |
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Much better sarah. Now that you have cut out most of the unnecessary descriptions the writing has become much tighter and the story moves along much better.
It is said that it is pretty much impossible to write an absolutely perfect piece,
I find that I have to edit at least twice before I can use any of mine, and even then if I come back to them a few months later I still find things to tweak, but this first chapter of yours is fine now that you have combed through it. -You learn quick.
Cheers, C;
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thanks, you're advice was incredibly helpful, it hadn't even occured to me, but the moment you mentioned it i couldn't understand why i hadn't thought of it before.
I've also made another slight change that it's featured in this copy. at the beginning where it says
"We don't get to make a new plan, Tony. This is going to happen and throwing a hissy fit isn't the thing that's going to change it. You never know, maybe social services are right, maybe this is the kick up the backside we need to really seal a deal this time."
I've changed it to
"We don't get to make a new plan, Tony. This is going to happen and throwing a hissy fit isn't going to change it. You never know, maybe social services are right, maybe this is for the best."
I don't know if that sounds any better or not?
Thanks again, you've been a tremendous help.
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i meant, isn't featured in this copy. sorry
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Writing can be very challenging, believe me I know. The best piece of advice I can pass on is 'show don't tell', a little wordy, a bit too close to everyday conversation.
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Kudos
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From 2 votes
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Total posts: 10
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Roles:
Writer
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hi,
My name is sarah and I just turned 18. Being a writer is the only thing i can ever see myself doing. It's the only thing that makes me genuinely excited every time I do it. I've written a novel which ... (Read more)
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