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Oh dear sorry i've forgotten to upload it, sorry!
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Hey Ruby, as often seems to be the case with people who are particularly nervous about putting their work 'out there', you have nothing to worry about. I'm no poetry expert but I tihnk this is excellent, full of immense emotion, easy to read and gets your message across well, without being over simplistic.
You know I always want to improve things so here goes with my suggestions on how to improve it!
The first verse might be better it if read: if love could have saved you, then you wouldn't have died, if kindness could've saved you, you would still be alive. (This suggestion stems from my belief that then woman talking was once in love with this person, if that's not the case then ignnore this suggestion.) That would make it clear that she did once love the person she is writing about.
If you did that you would probably have to change vers 6 to: maybe love could not save you, as you knew not how to love.....
Desprately searching for other ways to improve it but for now I can't. Excellent job, reminds me of a big hit for the gropu 'All Saints', called 'Never Ever', but with a darker twist to it.
Excellent job Ruby, hope you've got plenty more.
Rob
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Hi Rob,
Thanks for taking a look at my poem.
You are spot on when u say she once loved him and having had a good look at it again i agree that ur suggestion would make this clearer to the reader, so thank u for that.
Maybe its just me but sometimes when u read and read ur own work u miss seeing the little details. I think that because i know what im saying i expect the reader to as well. I knew that u would give me an honest opinion and i appreciate the importance of that and understand what u meant with our first communication. Am i allowed to edit any work once posted?
Im very glad that u enjoyed it and with that and the constructive critisism im feeling more confident with my writing and looking forward to showing more.
Thanks Ruby
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I admit that I seldom write rhyming poetry myself and do not ordinarily enjoy the form, however I appreciate the amount of work that you've put into this and you've done a very good job.
The only verse I think you should change is verse 6. I actually feel that your poem would be better still if you removed that verse altogether. It would still be complete. To me, "knew not" doesn't sound right. Plus "fit your skin" is a cliche.
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Hi Carl,
Thank you for your comments which i found enlightening. I was unaware of the 'cliche' rule, in fact until you mentioned it i hadn't realised that i had included a cliche in the poem.
I've only been a member of the writers circle for a few weeks but have learnt more about writing in that short time than over the previous 6 months.
I understand what you mean about rhyming, im also not the greatest of fans but it does have a place within poetry at certain times and can drive a poem forward faster and make it more 'punchy'.
Thank you for your feedback
Ruby
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I love this poem...it flows and rhymes really well...but i agree with the comments above about stanza 6.....i like it apart from "fit your skin like a glove"...otherwise really really good :)
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