How to be a bad writer.
By Robert w Kingett.
This is meant to be a satirical piece free from swear words I am happy to report. Below will be various things that you can do to instantly mark yourself as a bad writer. And yes I have seen this in many books before.
Use as many adverbs as you can.
I hate adverbs. They make me want to go postal. In my experience they can take away the drama of a scene, and can make your whole work seem weaker. Adverbs should die. I don't know who likes hearing "he stared at her angrily." Almost every line in the whole darn book, but I don't. Take these passages for example. It's easy to tell the suckiness level of each. Go on, try it.
"He looked at her sadly."
Wow. Yuck right? Now watch this sentence kick this one's butt.
"He looked at her with sadness in his eyes."
Now see, that's not the best but it's definitely powerful in its own right. Adverbs are down for the count. Now, I'm going to let a want to be author, J, tell you why his book is going to be the best seller of this year, and what makes his writing so great!
Hi. I'm j, and today I want to talk about all the things that you can do if you really want to make sure people never… I mean always buy your book. Ready? Here we go!
Describe everything in the whole wide world, even the shoes and hair particles!
Why care about the story? Knowing what some killer looks like is most definitely more interesting than knowing why in fact he's in some dark house to kill someone. Why should we know? I mean we spent good solid cash on this book so we can read about the guy's hair particles. That's exactly what I want to have out of a book. I don't look for plot, or story, or anything when I read a book. I, after all, care about something that's better. Looks! What I care about more than people are objects! Things that have nothing to do with the story, like for example a character may sit on a chair. Why do I care that he just sat down, that's not why I am reading the book after all. Instead of saying he sat down, I want to be cool, and I want to be like no other author, and not only describe the chair in full and complete detail, but describe the lines in the chair, and how they cross! People just don't know what a good book is anymore you know? They want to have fast paste stuff. Don't they understand that it would be even more awesome if they read books that described chairs? Gosh! Who cares if my book never gets sold, I want to describe stuff!
Have icky dialogue that comes straight from movies.
Why have awesome dialogue that will keep your readers awake and alert when you can have dialogue that stinks to high heaven. I mean it worked for some author's right? Why have awesome dialogue like "no! You can't because you obviously don't know how stupid you are!" when I can have awesome dialogue like "no jonnie! Don't do it! It's too dangerous!" I just don't get it. I mean, I, j, want to be on the best sellers list, so I should be able to use any kind of cheesy dialogue I please. I mean, in my book there will be a scene where a divorced man hears his ex come through the door. He will turn and he will go, "hi ex wife." Now isn't that just the best way to introduce the fact that she's his ex? I mean I'm going to be a best seller yet! Why use stuff like "hi Jane." He said. His fingers fumbling at his left hand where the ring she had given him was no more… I mean, that's a cheesy line huh? Gosh. You people can't write at all!
Use as many big words as you can, and forget about clarity.
See this amazes me. You best sellers use easy sentences and paragraph structure, but why? Don't you know that you will be even better if you used huge words that people have to look up to be understood? Well, it's true. Take my book for example. I haven't sold any copies since my publication date of 20 years ago, but hey, its quality material! I mean why say a boring sentence when you can say a completely awesome sentence that makes you look smarter but no one can understand? If you do it my way, your book will surely be on shelves in no time. Here are some examples.
He walked to the patio looking up at the blue sky, watching birds fly by happily.
That sentence is so stupid! Mine is so much better. Look below.
He ambled to the terrace glancing up at the azure firmament, watching flora and fauna take wing blissfully.
I like mine better because it totally rocks! I'm serious aspiring authors. Follow my guide to become the best!
Change point of view as much as you can!
I don't know why authors don't do this more. It's such a good reader grabber. I mean, getting people completely confused about where they are at and who's head their in when they just get used to being in his/her head is much better than actually bonding with someone. Don't you think? See, with my idea, you can be in two places at once, and leave the reader trying to follow two plot lines, and two thought processes. Reading a book shouldn't be fun. It should be a puzzle that people have to sit there and try and solve. Books shouldn't be entertaining by any means. That's what I think anyway. Do you all see why I'm going to be the next Stephen king? My books are awesome. I mean, in my book, like so many other authors, I'm just going to flit between person to person without any introduction. I think that will be good. Don't you think? I do. That's why I'm going to be a best seller!
Well all, that's all for this short little play. If you have any suggestions, please tell me, and I will try and add your stuff and ideas in as well. Thanks all, and remember… don't get bad books!