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Interesting plot...I'd like to see where it goes.
I have to say, though, that the language kind of threw me. It needs a lot of polishing, especially in the areas of grammar and sentence structure. Also, you tend to repeat ideas; for example, you want to emphasize that Garbo Sr. wants his son to succeed him as the greatest fighter. But you only have to say it once or twice for it to imprint on the reader's mind - not five or six, which I believe I've seen in the beginning of your piece.
Good luck! ;)
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I'm afraid that I have to agree with Zion. By the end of the first paragraph my brain was scrambled with trying to work out what you meant in amongst the erratic grammar.
Definately needs some polishing to make it flow better and give greater clarity to the reader.
Good luck with it.
JD
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Would it be alot better if I were to just start the whole chapter over? Not that I don't you guys are insulting me or anything, is just that I think it needs to be started over that's all.
The first time I'd work on this was in 2006, back then that was my problem. But now I see where you're coming from about this, and I believe that rewriting this would a much better idea. Polishing it would take too long.
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You're right. Now that you have the "skeleton" of your plot written out, it would be much easier to rewrite than to polish.
I'm looking forward to seeing the results. ;)
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Same. I definately wasn't insulting you but simply trying to provide you with constructive criticism.
Good luck with the rewrite.
JD
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Oh and JD and Zion, just to let you know, I don't plan on having this out until later in the 2010s anyways. Probably about 2013-2014 anyways. This would be when I get older and everybody I know is extremely familiar with the characters.
For now, just read the "Chapter#1-5" and enjoy them while you can. Cause they are the ones I'm planning to bring out as of this year, or until they make copies.
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