RankMost active authors
1
Auburn Quill (43)
2
evakaye (337)
3
Jan Phillips (77)
4
louis kasatkin (297)
5
efisher82 (11)
6
hillgem (87)
7
Aioshi (9)
8
CWeinst (9)
9
Liamc85 (65)
10
kelly bella (282)
11
Valkyrie (5)
12
mushrise (39)
13
goinbig56 (4)
14
A Murphy (4)
15
zion613 (304)
16
saddlesnsongs (50)
17
Eddie Larkin (138)
18
troy universe (30)
19
Sparrow (37)
20
catinpong (2)
21
ganders (8)
22
raydale (2)
23
missred212 (2)
24
weneth Jules Moorhouse (2)
25
rowland (106)

Ember Tell, Firebender

By EmberWriter | Posted: 03 March 2012

Views: 829
Favourited by: Marcus
Fear
Fear

Chapter Two: The Spell.
    Ember wheeled his bike around the corner, his wheels skidding out. He had just stolen a book, and a valuable book at that. It was currently hidden in the shopping bag, and Ember had remembered to cook up a story: Arthur had given the book as a condolence gift for his deceased uncle Vero. Ember was wondering whether he would get caught, and if so, how? Would he be asked to thank Arthur, or to go to " Booked", and then thank him personally? He shivered at the thought of Arthur's fearfully angry look. It was bad enough that he left an apology note in place of the book. Now he just had to hope to God that his luck would last. The only consoler he thought of, was that his parents and Arthur would think that he was just struggling with his Uncle's death. That was the only thing that helped.

    Ember rolled his eyes in frustration, for Ember saw the reason he was nervous beyond human restraint: Arthur's car was parked in the driveway;  and Arthur didn't look good. As Ember pedaled for a closer look, he realized that he had been hurt! Blood, red and thick, poured and seeped from various places on his neck and body, and he had a long, deep scar across his chest and torso. He was unconscious, and Ember was scared to the point of near insanity. His heart and head began to beat and throb jarringly, since he realized that this was his fault. If only he had ignored the book. None of this would've happened had he just done what his mother told him. Unless...

    "Arthur, are you ok? Mom, what's going on, what happened? Why is he dying?" May came out, distressed and teary. She was holding a note, and she gave it to Ember. As he read, his eyes, now wider than a hoot owl's, were turning redder. His irses were reddening, and he was dizzy. He walked inside, and sat down on the stairs. The note read:
"Ember, you are in danger, Read the book, it will help you. Don't worry about thievery, it's yours to begin with. There's something you need to know: I am not Arthur, I am your real father. My real name is Nero. Vero and I were twins. Get the book and perfom Spell 13. This will help me, and will give you The Gift you should have gotten long ago. Now, go!.Hurry. Save me!"

    Ember opened the book, and found Spell 13: Healing and Gifting for Beginners.
HERE BE THE SPELL FOR HEALINGE: PLACE YOUR POWERED HAND ON THE BODY, CLEARE YOUR MINDE, AND SAY:
INTEGRO HAEC CORPORE, ABICIO IS EX PER VULNUS. REPEAT FOR ALL WOUNDS, AND THEY WILL HEAL. TO GIFTE, PLACE YOUR HAND ON YOUR CHEST, COUNT THE LATIN TO YOUR AGE, AND SAY:

MEA DONACIO RECIPERE HOC PARATUS SUM. AND YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR GIFTE OF THE ELEMENTE.

    Ember was astounded that the book wasn't entirely latin. He placed his right hand on his chest, as if pledging alliegance, and said "mea donacio recipere hoc paratus sum." Almost instantly, Ember changed: His hair grew longer, and redder. He grew six inches in sixty seconds. His right hand and arm grew a symbol of fire, tracing along his hand and arm and up to his chest. He was in pain, but it didn't hurt. He was feeling happiness growing inside him like a lion. Then, just as soon as it had came, it was gone, and Ember Tell, was normal no more.

He knew what was happening, and he had to act fast. With incredible speed, Ember ran outside and up to Arthur's marred body. Ember placed his hand on arthrur's chest, and recited the spell. Instantly, his scar receeded, and sealed itself closed. His cuts and scrapes dissapeared, and his blood fell back into his body. Arthur was new again. Ember removed his hand, and gasped, exhausted from the intense efforts of Healing. He helped arthur up, and then hugged him. He was happy to be united with his real father. With questions flying into his mind like a swarm of  mousquitoes to a sunburned person, Arthur and Ember walked inside, and gathered May into a deeply longed hug.

All articles on this website by EmberWriter are copyright ©EmberWriter and should not be reproduced without the author's prior written consent. All opinions are the opinions of their respective authors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Writers' Circle.
Comments 
Marcus
03 March 2012

Pretty good writing for someone so young. I would suggest to get rid of most of the exclamation marks (!). It is over kill. And never mix punctuation marks together (!?). That is only used in comic books. Also leave out that he "freaked" and use another word - perhaps, "panicked" instead.  Only two more suggestions I have: 1) "his wheels nearly giving out" sounds almost like they were breaking apart instead of sliding or skidding. Instead maybe something like "Ember came flying around the corner on his bike so fast he almost lost control of his steering". 2) he saw Arthur's car and "he" didn't look good.  One is to assume that it "he" is Arthur or someone else by Arthur's car? Perhaps instead use something like, "Arthur's car was parked in the driveway and next to it, Arthur himself, and he didn't look well".

angeliki largatzis
03 March 2012

I agree with Marcus, but otherwise its a good book and you must get it published :)

EmberWriter
05 March 2012

Thanks for all your help! it's great to see such great and constructive feedback. And Angeliki, I do plan on publishing. I want to be an author, its the only talent I have and enjoy. Thanks, and I look forward to receiving more feedback from you and others later. EmberWriter out.:)

HuntersMoon12
26 April 2012

Just a few notes, that by and large are just suggestions, lol

1. Everytime you talk about someone, you don't need to use their name...ex. Ember rolled his eyes, for Ember saw the reason, could be changed to He rolled his eyes, for he saw the reason he was nervous...etc.

2. It seems kind of simple to have him find out that he was his father like that, it's too easy. Maybe if you make him allude to a secret, and him find out later, or to have it be not so blatant and out in the open. He could have a longer letter, with lots of "i'm sorry" and I know you won't like this, or something...

3. It's way too easy for him to heal Arthur, and he is way too happy with him after. Maybe he should struggle to heal Arthur, saving him only as his last breath slipped from his lungs, and he acts in desperation. He could also be upset about learning that Arthur was his real dad, after all, that was a huge secret. He could feel betrayed, or shocked, or numb, but happy, isn't exactly realistic...just a suggetion

Favourited / bookmarked by

In My favourites by Marcus

Writer
EmberWriter

Total posts:
3
Roles: Writer
ogden Utah, UNITED STATES
I am a writer that looooooves to write. i am currently at work on a five to six book series on a teen firebender named Ember Tell. This is all. I am nineteen. And a high school senior. Good day.  ... (Read more)
Recent submissions 
C
Ember Tell, Firebender
Warning: (Fear)
Genre / category: High fantasy
C
Ember Tell, Firebender
Genre / category: High fantasy